How to Help a Frustrated Child- Do’s and Don’ts and More

It can be extremely frustrating to have a child who is, well, frustrated. Anger, fits of emotion, and even violence can bring any household down. However, when we understand a few key concepts about frustration and have a plan for responding to it, we can help our kids work through their difficulties in healthy ways.

One Concrete Way to Help Your Frustrated Child

At one point, I realized that one of my kids was getting frustrated a lot. Like several times a day, every day. This was not the norm previously, but suddenly what seemed like very small inconveniences to me were leading to massive emotional explosions.

I felt bad that this child was feeling so much anger and negative emotion all the time, and I felt bad that the rest of us in the household had to deal with it so often. It was exhausting and becoming frustrating for me too!

During the aftermath of one angry episode, a simple idea came to my mind. It was one of those parenting gifts: an inspired answer in a time of need.

After my child had calmed down, I took a piece of paper and pen into the bedroom. I explained how I felt like there was a lot more anger than usual. When my child agreed, I asked if my help would be appreciated in solving some of the problems causing the anger. The answer was affirmative.

I have learned that first step is important. If someone isn’t open to help, even the best advice is most often wasted. It’s better to wait until the individual is ready to try to solve the problem and realizes that help is wanted to do so.

In this case, I asked that everything that caused frustration be written on one side of the paper. I mentioned briefly that some problems we can solve and some we have to learn how to handle because they involve other people’s choices. This list would help us see which problems were which kind. Mostly, I expressed how much I wanted to help end as many of the frustrations as possible.

My child was supposed to fill the other side of the paper with blessings “because it will make you feel better.”

Gratitude improves every situation.

What We Learned from the Two Simple Lists

This simple writing exercise was exactly what our family needed.

We reviewed the list of frustrations together and found concrete direction for our problem solving.

There were several issues that we could take care of right away and many I never knew existed. Most importantly, I found that a few big, underlying worries or frustrations were sapping my child’s emotional energy, leaving no reserves to deal with the day to day disappointments and realities of life.

Simultaneously, the list of blessings was the sweetest, fullest page imaginable.

Suddenly, I comprehended the very real challenges going on inside my typically pleasant child. This activity gave me a genuine peek into my child’s heart and mind. My newfound understanding deepened my compassion and allowed me to respond much more appropriately and kindly.

The Keys to Helping Your Frustrated Child

For younger kids, you can adjust the writing exercise we used by having them tell you what to write.

If your child is nonverbal, you could even complete the two lists for your child to the best of your knowledge.

The keys to actually helping your angry or frustrated child is to recognize the root of their frustrations and then compassionately address the cause.

Why Kids Get Frustrated or Angry

Frustration occurs when the solution to the problem at hand is either unknown or feels unattainable.

1.) Solution Unknown

Kids may not know how to solve the problem because they haven’t encountered it before. It’s a new problem.

Conversely, they may not know how to solve it because what they have tried in the past isn’t working. This is an old problem, but it is still unresolved. Often these are the bigger frustrations because the initial can-do spirit is weighed down. We have tried and feel we have failed.

2.) Solution Unattainable

Kids may feel a solution is unattainable because they don’t have the physical or emotional reserves to handle the problem, even if they know what they should do.

This is an important cause to understand. Sometimes I get frustrated with my kids because I know they know how to solve their problems, but they just aren’t doing it! These are the times I want to say in a not-so-nice voice (or do say it), “This is not something to get frustrated about!”

A classic case of this type of frustration is the little one who misses a nap and is now extremely temperamental about everything.

When we understand what causes frustration, we can help our children work through and solve their difficulties, while preventing future discouragement. This happens through the two phases of anger management.

The First Phase of Anger Management

The first phase of anger management or responding to frustration is to handle the physical effects of the emotion immediately. When we get angry or frustrated, our heart beats faster, our temperature and blood pressure rise, and our energy surges. This is the moment when adrenaline kicks in and kids (or adults for that matter) want to hit each other or scream at the top of their lungs.

The goal during this first phase is to buy time until the thinking brain can take over again.

Some suggestions are to walk into a different room, jump up and down, or take another physical outlet. My favorite is to breath long and deep five times (or ten or as many as it takes). When you do this, you can physically feel your heart rate slow and that burst of energy calm. I prefer this because you can do it at any time in any place. Jumping up and down or screaming into a pillow may work now, but it’s probably not going to cut it when your child becomes an adult in a business meeting.

You may need to experiment to find what works best for your child. Whatever method you choose, you should practice it with your child before the anger hits.

You may also find key phrases that trigger a calming effect for your specific child. One such phrase for one of my kids is, “Try not to smile right now.” This particular child has a great sense of humor and usually can’t help but smile. That smile mechanism has a way of calming many frustrations.

The Second Phase of Anger Management

The second phase of anger management is where the frustration is addressed and resolved as much as possible.

Go back to the two causes of frustration and figure out the root of this situation. As much as possible, and this is hard for me, let your kids take the lead as you guide with meaningful questions.

Help your kids learn how to recognize the trigger for their emotion and brainstorm or research to find solutions. Build problem-solving skills and a can-do mentality. Show that you believe they have the ability to solve this problem. Foster a Growth Mindset.

Sometimes this may require the writing experience I talked about or another comprehensive discussion. Other times this may look like a two sentence exchange or “Let’s go eat lunch.”

This second phase eventually lessens the frequency of episodes of anger or frustration. It enhances children’s confidence that they can solve their problems, even if it’s a new problem, because they have done it before.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Responding to a Frustrated Child

Let’s bring things together with a list of do’s and don’ts.

DON’T yell.

DO use your own calming techniques to stay cool.

It doesn’t do us much good to shout, “Calm down!” As much as their yelling can cause our blood to boil too, it’s that old fighting fire with fire thing. Better to exemplify the behavior your teaching and stay cool, calm, and collected. Breathe deep now.

DON’T accept all behavior.

DO provide feedback about appropriate ways to express emotions.

It is important to address emotions, not stifle them. However, some go so far as to say that emotions are natural, and therefore, “It’s not my fault.” Similarly we hear, “That’s just the way I am.” However, we always have choices about how we handle our emotions. Teach your children with clear guidelines such as, “I understand you are frustrated because your brother popped your new ball with a fork” (true story). “I’m sorry that happened, and we will address it. However, it is not okay to yell at or hit another person.”

DON’T compound the problem.

DO offer truthful affirmations.

Phrases like, “You always overreact” don’t help the situation, they only make it worse. Instead, offer comments that are true and motivating. For example, to a child that often overreacts you might say, “We have talked about this situation before, and I am confident that you can figure out how to solve this problem. Would you like my help?”

DON’T feel the need to solve everything right this minute.

DO revisit the scenario later.

Time can work wonders. When that heart rate calms and the thinking brain overpowers the fight or flight brain, I have found kids are capable of incredible insight and inspiring desires to do good in the world.

DON’T ignore the situation.

DO have compassion.

It may seem like a small thing to us, but sometimes to a child, the current problem is as big as Everest. We need not ignore nor magnify their problems. We can show kindness without unnecessary coddling. A small act of compassion such as a quiet hug or empathetic comment from us often means the world.

In all reality, tempers are going to explode at times. Angry child meets exhausted parent and it’s not always a pretty picture. I have found a quick apology on my end when I talk more or louder than I should have during these frustrating scenes is a powerful way to diffuse the situation. Be humble and learn together. As we compassionately calm and address our children’s frustrations with them, we find a greater peace awaits.

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