Our Child Saw Pornographic Videos at Age 6…Here’s What We Learned
We all know pornography is out there. We have probably even heard the statistics: shocking numbers that say our children will be exposed to pornography by the age of 11.
Unfortunately, we know from experience that the numbers are true, and here is what we have learned.
One evening we ate a family dinner at a friend’s house. The food was delicious, our kids played well together, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Sometime after dinner, my husband realized that we hadn’t seen the kids for a bit and went to check on them. He brought the youngsters back outside where the adults were chatting, and the kids were happy to jump on the trampoline. Awhile later, we said our goodbyes and took our children home for bed. After goodnight tucking in, my husband wanted to chat.
My husband told me that when he had gone inside to get the kids, he found our six-year-old with a friend watching pornographic videos on their family’s iPad.
I was shocked, and I was saddened by what I felt was a loss of some childhood innocence.
With the knowledge that this experience is sadly not rare, I am hopeful that my sharing will benefit others.
Why We Should All Care about Pornography Use
We should all be concerned about the negative impact of pornography on children. Exposure is rampant, with over 90% of 18 year-old boys having seen pornography. Many studies place the average age of first exposure at 11 years or younger.
The initial exposure to explicit media can have a strong, negative, emotional impact on individuals. Kids may feel disgust, shame, confusion, embarrassment, anger, or fear. They can exhibit anxiety and depression.
Exposure to pornography can also peak interest, stimulate sexual brain pathways and organs, and lead to further seeking of intimate media.
According to the American College of Pediatricians (ACP), “Consumption of pornography is associated with many negative emotional, psychological, and physical health outcomes. These include increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior, younger age of sexual debut, sexual promiscuity, increased risk of teen pregnancy, and a distorted view of relationships between men and women.”
Among the most harrowing dangers of pornography are its addictive properties. Brain and behavioral changes similar to drug addictions have all been reported in multiple studies regarding internet pornography.
Addiction is not only an adult problem either. Kids as young as 12 fear they are addicted to pornography and are reaching out for help.
Adult pornography use affects kids too.
Children learn acceptable behavior and belief systems from their parents. Adult pornography use in the home increases the likelihood of unintended child exposure.
Additionally, “For adults, pornography results in an increased likelihood of divorce which is also harmful to children” (ACP).
While we encountered pornography early on in parenthood, it is not a discussion that should be limited to one family, demographic, or belief system. As caring adults, we all need in on this conversation.
What I Think We Could Have Done Better
There are a couple things I learned from our first pornography experience that I believe we could have done better as parents.
1. Be More Specific in Discussions
I am a health teacher by profession, and my husband is in medicine. Body parts do not scare nor embarrass us. Combine that with the way my husband and I were raised, and we decided very early on that we wanted to be candid with our children about matters of intimacy. We strive to be respectful, age appropriate, and honest.
By age six our child knew the names of body parts and understood modesty. However, I think we should have been (and are now) much more specific in our conversations about pornography.
I truly just didn’t realize how young we needed to start.
Now our discussions with all of our kids are much more particular. We teach that “pornography” is videos or pictures of people who wear little or no clothes, who dress or act immodestly or inappropriately. Together, we also talk about and practice what to do if we see that kind of media: recognize what it is and choose to look away. We will ask questions like, “What would you do if your friend held up the phone and there was an inappropriate picture showing?” Our discussions also include why people make pornography (they don’t understand what is healthy or moral, they want money, etc.). We periodically and casually ask if they have seen pornography and try to make it an open conversation so that our kids can ask us any questions or tell us any stories that come to mind.
This is an extremely age-appropriate and respectful video that introduces children to what to do when they see pornography.
As soon as children are old enough to control a device, they are old enough to begin learning about appropriate use of that device.
2. Set Ground Rules about Devices at Home AND Other People’s Houses
Setting ground rules for devices is an area where my husband is much better than I. I am more naïve, and he is much more careful (appropriately so). I believe the night he went inside to find the kids, he already worried that devices were being misused.
We had rules for devices in our home, but we had not really talked about rules for others’ homes.
Again, I did not think it should worry me at my child’s young age, but I was wrong.
At our house, our kids do not have access to internet in rooms where parents are not present. With the oldest being ten now, that has not been a problem. If you are on the internet, you are in a family space. If you are in your bedroom, you are not on the internet.
We now teach the kids not to use devices at friends’ houses, nor when friends are at ours. If we want to watch a movie here or there, we get the okay from all the parents. Otherwise, we use friend time for interacting without technology. While I am sure this isn’t followed 100% of the time at other homes, it is a good target to aim for.
What I Think We Did Well
Looking back at the experience, there are also several things I think we did well.
1. Address the Initial Moment with Calm
I was not there when my husband discovered the kids with the iPad, but I know he didn’t make a scene. The kids had no idea anything was amiss.
At age six, they definitely did not understand nor intentionally watch the pornographic videos. However, regardless of age, responding to initial pornography use with shock, shame, judgement, or anger is not helpful.
2. Involve the Community
The morning after our family dinner, I phoned my friend whose child was involved because that is what I would want someone to do for me. I let her know what the kids were watching. That was when I learned that her oldest son was struggling with pornography, and they were most likely his videos easily accessible on the iPad history. We were able to talk about their family challenges, and the conversation was strengthening for both of us.
Pornography used to be a private matter, but it has reached the point where it needs to be a community discussion. In order to best protect and prepare our youth, we need to have conversations not only in our families, but also with our friends, in our schools, and as a community.
3. Have the Pornography Discussion Early and Often
The following day, we also had a conversation with our child about the videos watched. Our child seemed uncomfortable talking about it, but after moving into the privacy of a blanket tent in our bedroom, we openly discussed what was seen, why people make videos like that, what we should do if the videos come up again, and how grateful we are for our bodies and our knowledge of how to treat them.
The dialogue has continued since, and we hope that our children feel comfortable talking to us about anything and everything. Experiences since this one have shown that so far they are able to confide in us. We are grateful for that.
4. Teach the Why
In all of our conversations, our underlying motive should always be clear. Our teaching about pornography happens because of love: we love our kids and want what is best for them. We also understand the impact pornography can have on love.
We ought to be candid about the harmful effects such as addiction, isolation, ruined relationships, and distorted perceptions of reality. However, we also want to be honest about the powerful positives of avoiding pornography.
The human body is beautiful, special, and inextricably connected with our inner selves. We have love and respect for our own and others’ bodies. It is natural and right to have physical and emotional attractions. As we learn to develop those attractions in healthy and appropriate ways, we can experience the greatest fullness of love.
Power against Pornography
A vast market of people thrives financially from pornography consumption. An adult level of freedom of expression exists as well. Eradication of pornography seems unlikely, although we can work to get closer to that. But we have a choice of how to handle it.
We can avoid the topic because of embarrassment, ignorance, or a lack of making it a priority. If so, we leave the teaching to the media, friends, and whatever happens to be taught at school.
Or, we can take an active role in preparing our children, even our very youngest children, for a world where they will be faced with pornography. Through trusting relationships, where intimate topics are openly discussed, we can prepare our children for a beautiful, wonderful world, where they can choose to look away from that which would degrade or harm and toward that which would edify and uplift.
I believe our child has had zero lasting, negative consequences from this young, single exposure to pornography. That is because we have the power, as parents and as individuals, to choose what happens next.
Is it hard for you to talk to your kids about pornography? What has helped you with those conversations? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Please also share this post with other parents...we all need to hear this message.
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My 11 yr old daughter recently confided in me that a few months ago when she opened her father’s instagram account to search something his feed contained many pictures of big breasted women in tiny and revealing clothes. She understands how instagram works that that your feed is populated by images you viewed/clicked/liked before. She said it made her feel really weird and she wants to know why he’s looking at stuff like that. She also asked if he’s going to be in trouble. I reassured her that it not something she needs to worry about. She said she doesn’t want to talk to him about it but wants me to ask him and tell her. I didn’t realize that IG had phonographic content or that my husband was looking at those type of accounts. I’ve noticed a change in her behavior towards him and now it makes sense. I am heartbroken for her and stumped for words to explain why he would look at images like that.
Hi Vicky, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation. That is heartbreaking for your daughter and hard to explain. Unfortunately, as you’ve learned, Instagram (like all sites that anyone can post to) does have pornographic material. It sounds like you handled it calmly and respectfully with your daughter. Well done, Mama. That probably wasn’t easy. It also sounds like a great opportunity to SHOW your daughter that she can continue to talk to you about all these kinds of things. That’s a great blessing to her and strength to your relationship. Have you talked to your husband about it yet? If not, a meaningful conversation with him sharing the experience and asking what he’d recommend could be helpful. While your daughter doesn’t want to bring it up with him, your husband has a great chance here to reach out to her, to also show that he cares about her and their relationships enough to talk about uncomfortable topics. If he’s not willing to do that at this time, here are some ideas to maybe help you explain:
-Talk about what pornography is, like the pictures she saw. Giving it a name helps you talk about it.
-Talk about how humans are driven to connect with other humans and physical connection is one way we do that. For that reason, when some people look at pornography, it makes them feel good. This isn’t real physical connection or the best way to connect with others, but to the brain, it still feels good. Sharing that it’s a common human experience, rather than shameful, can help her see dad in a human light with compassion.
-Everyone has to choose what they do with those feelings. Dad and I are talking about what he’s going to do with those feelings. I hope he _____ because _______ . You can share what you hope he does because it’s healthier, it’s hurtful to you, whatever your experience is. Being honest in this way holds dad accountable for his choices.
-Dad and I aren’t perfect, but we love you. We’re trying our best. What questions do you have? Reassure her of what’s stable and open the door for further conversation.
I hope this is helpful. Know you’re not alone.
Warmly,
Marielle
My dad was a porn addict I dont blame him for the addiction but I do for the harm of me having to see it constantly and having explosive anger problems because of it. Those anger problems were bashed out of me by my mother who claims I’m just unstable and crazy at 8 years old. I drew pictures as a kid, they found them and never said a word and still bashed me for having anger problems every time I saw something. I’m asexual as a 30 year old I cant have a relationship sex makes me sick literally and I just realized that my moms the one who lashed out at me after showing her at 15 pics I found of my dad cheating on her telling her I’m sorry i know it’s bad and I hope shes ok and she just blew off that her 15 year old child handed her insanely hardcore pictures with no emotional reaction. My life is just letting the earth move around me idk how to live
I wish no child ever had to go through those experiences, and I’m so sorry you did. There aren’t words for it. Do you have a support system these days? A professional might be able to help you work through the trauma and find more direction for right now. I believe there’s still much good in store for you.
I struggled with shame since the age of about 6 (I am 33 years old now).
The impact that adult content television shows at the age of 6 which was 1995 for me was not recognizable at that time but it was huge.
I made advances at that age that I didn’t recognize were advances but as I got older realized that, that was me trying to re-enact & re-stimulate what I saw.
T.V in 1995 was not regulated at all and comedy central had some pretty pornographic shows.
No one new I was watching all these other shows when I was home alone. I also had this shame around it and kept it from them.
Then with the introduction of computers around 2000 my mind was being exposed & pervaded. My innocence got taken at 6 around all that. All my other friends seemed to have better morals and judgements around wrong and right so I didn’t feel like I could even share any of this.
Knowing what I know now, I feel like the protection of the children’s innocence needs to be spoken about way more openly and we need to as parents (although I am not personally a parent) talk to other parents about this ensuring that parents are being educated on how to regulate and monitor. Schools should not be eluding to inappropriate topics at certain ages.
It is definitly a community effort on protecting children in their developmental years. I feel blessed to have started working on my healing and unpacking these emotional traumas so that I can take care of my mental well being & I am sure there are many adults that don’t understand how much they may have been impacted neurologically from being exposed at such a young age.
For me I am unpacking all this and healing the shame along with forgiving myself so I can be a bit more loving towards myself.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I’m grateful you’re finding understanding and healing now, and I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this because of how easily available those pornographic shows were. I definitely agree that this needs to be a conversation we have often among adults. Thank you for the voice you’re sharing to protect innocence and help kids grow into their understanding in developmentally healthy ways. Please do keep forgiving and loving yourself. You’re worthy of all the health and happiness life has to offer. Sending hugs.
First off, I would like to thank you for this blog. My 8 yr old son was recently exposed to pornography online and I was truly mortified! . . I sought help and advice through a Google search and after reading several articles, I must say that yours was by far the most helpful for me and my experience. As I read this, I jotted notes to help me plan how/what to discuss with my child. Not only did this article help me with our pornography discussion, but it also helped me to realize that I have left my 8 yr old son “in the dark” when it comes to sexuality, body talk. . And I realize I have avoided these topics because they make ME uncomfortable! Thank you for posting this and thank you for your help in this!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so glad you found insight and direction here. You’re not alone in what you’re experiencing and feeling. Good for you for coming to your own realizations and moving forward to do what’s best for your son. You’ve got this mama!
I think my 7 yr old sons dad showed him pornography. He says it’s how he learned abt the birds and the bees when his dad show him pornography at age 7. I have serious problem w this and I expressed to him that I do not agree w that I think it’s wrong to show him things like that & and he made the face of “no I don’t think so” I’m afraid he is not a going to follow my rules when it comes to keeping our son safe and protected from harm. We aren’t in a relationship and haven’t been for 6 yrs,but we remain friends (co parents) can you pls tell me,is this some kind of molestation or what would you call that kind of parental behavior? I’m thinking I need to press charges ?
It’s really difficult when we’re not on the same page as other adults in our kids’ lives. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’d definitely recommend trying to talk to your son’s dad about it again. Listen to his perspective first and try to understand where he’s coming from. Then share yours. You may want to discuss how the research shows pornography is not a realistic “teacher” about sexuality and if that’s the only way he feels comfortable teaching about it, you’re happy to take on the responsibility. Further research shows a lot of negative consequences for adolescent use of pornography. Additionally, seven is really young for in depth sexual talks or exposure and can feel traumatic (which it’s clear from your comment you understand, but these can be ideas to discuss). I’ve heard of situations where showing kids pornography was considered sexual abuse, but honestly, I don’t know about the legal side of things in this situation. If you feel it’s best to pursue that route, I’d suggest talking to a family law attorney. I hope the other comments and material also help you feel prepared to talk to your son. I hope you find resolution for this soon. Sending love.
I’m not sure if this article is too old but I just caught my 8 year old watching porn videos anything from gay porn to straight porn and everything in between. I tried my best not freak out but I am so scared for her because I was about 2 years older than her when I was exposed and then all I wanted to do was masterbate. I tried my very best not to freak out but I may have impulsively said what the hell are you doing watching something like this. There was pure silence, so I followed with the question do you like watching stuff like this and she responded no, then I followed with how’d you learn about this and she said her friends at school, I feeel so lost I confiscated the device and told her multiple times it is not ok and she’s way to young to be watching it. What do I do now. We had the sex talk earlier this year because she had tried looking it up before and I thought I got my point across that had she ever become curious to ask me and I’ll tell her because I had already told her what she’s going to find is not what it really is. I told my husband when he got off work and I told him that I caught her and that I had ready about 10 different articles and it’s actually kind of normal especially with now a days technology and he said he had stumbled upon it at the age of six but nothing came about because he didn’t realize what he was looking at said time. I’m just so frightened because I was a teen pregnancy and I told myself I wouldn’t shelter my children and talk to them as much as I could so the same thing wouldn’t happen to them, but she’s so young I feel like crying and defeated.
Hi Claudia,
I’m so sorry about what’s happened and how you’re feeling. I hope you feel you’re not alone though. It’s really good that you’ve already started these conversations with your daughter. It’s important to keep them going. Remember that most of us need to hear things multiple times and at different stages to help them sink in. It might be helpful to have a discussion with your daughter about why we’re drawn to pornography. You can talk about things like curiosity and the brain’s dopamine release. Encourage her to share her feelings and experience. Help her recognize that having thoughts or feelings about wanting to watch pornography isn’t bad (it’s biology), but that we get to choose whether or not we do. Talk about reasons why it’s unhealthy for her and help her see the good in choosing not to watch it. I have a Pornography Prevention Masterclass that would be helpful. Let me know if you’re interested, and I’ll get you the details. Also let me know if you have more questions. Sending hugs.
Marielle
My daughter continues to look up porn and girl kissing scenes. Just today we discovered on her phone we thought was filter 80 plus videos of porn she was looking up I am ashamed and no clue what to do. I shared with her therapist as well.
Hi. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your daughter. Something that might be helpful is to ask your daughter with calm and understanding why she feels like she continues to look at pornography. She may or may not understand herself, but here are some common reasons people continue using pornography that maybe you could talk through: satisfy curiosity or gain knowledge, escape from stressful emotions (pornography often triggers a dopamine release that feels good), normalize sexual abuse, or rebel. When we understand the root, it makes it easier for us to address that cause. I’m so glad you have a therapist on your team as well. That can be an enormous help with what’s going on. Feel free to reach out with follow-up questions, but above all, just keep loving her. Make sure she knows that you’re on her side. You’re daughter is blessed to have you.
I hope I had seen this post earlier….i found out yesterday that my 7 1\2 year old son had been searching and watching porn online. I am sad,embarrased,angry, hurt and i even cried while talking to him about it. I have shamed him about it…and i know i have dealt with this poorly.
I am very disappointed because i ensure the filter was set for up for it not to pop up,but did not expect him to type words.
I am so ashamed of the content he have seen, i am a lil more relax now and fillowing your guide im going to have the pornohraphy talk with him.
I feel sick and sad about my child’s loss of innocence. What should i do?
Hi Mary, I know it feels awful. All these emotions are difficult but also a very normal reaction to what has happened. I’m glad you have the guide. It’s a really helpful outline for what kids need to know. You can also find even more guidance here. I know it is heart-sickening to see that loss of innocence. It’s okay to feel sad about it. With time and honest conversation, that loss can grow into a healthy sense of self and sexuality for your son. You have the chance now to help him learn and come to understand why he’s interested in these kinds of videos and how he can choose to make healthy choices going forward. To be honest, these are conversations that can be really uncomfortable at first, and they may need to include apologies at times for how we’ve handled things in the past. But in the end, they can also be incredibly bonding between us and our kids. Please continue to reach out here or by email if you have further questions. Know that you’re not alone! Your son is blessed to have you.
-Marielle
SAME HERE I FEEL SICK
I’m so sorry. Hoping you find the guidance you need to know how best to help your child now.
My 5-year-old boy searched for nude women on Youtube again! I just don’t know what to do. He’s too young for this. It started when he saw pornography on my husband’s phone and after that, he started searching anime butts on youtube. I spoke with my husband about it but he is proud and happy saying that, at least his son is a real boy not gay or whatever. I’m just so frustrated. After that incident, I decided that he’s not allowed to watch Youtube and I started downloading Youtube kids. After months my parents want my son to have a vacation with them and my sister. Then he borrowed my sister’s phone and there he’d been searching for nude women again!
Hi Cate. I’m so sorry! This is such a sad place to be in and even more difficult when we’re not on the same page as our spouse. Have you and your husband had a chance to talk about some of the possible long-term consequences, especially with pornography exposure so young when minds are developing? Such as studies that show adolescents who use pornography are more likely to have greater sexual uncertainty, more casual sex and sexually risky behavior, sexual aggression, depression, anxiety, and addiction. If you haven’t yet, maybe some discussion could be helpful about specific reasons the nude videos concern you. For your son, I think you’re wise to continue to limit his access and continue to teach him about pornography. It can be helpful to ask him why he likes to see the videos and help him understand his brain’s natural reaction, as well as some of the consequences of that. One simple way to do that is by watching this video together… https://youtu.be/Ec0_vCQOFU4. It was created for young kids and can help in conversations about pornography. Hang in there Mama! Keep loving your son and helping him feel why it’s important to you…for his good. Let me know if you have other questions. Sending thoughts and prayers your way!
Thank you so much for responding I feel like I’m heard and understood. You are such a blessing. May God bless you more.
Thank you for these kind words Cate. I’m grateful my intention is felt.
Hi, I am mother of two kids older son is 5 years old before few days I noticed he was watching porn in his granny’s phone I thought it could come by mistake as I saw him first time but today again I caught him watching porn in my phone. I become too sad don’t know what to do….. Can you guide me ?
I’m so sorry. It is so sad when our little ones are exposed to pornography. I’m glad you reached out. I’d love to support you and there are definitely things you can do to help your son. Here are a couple suggestions…
1) It’s important to start the conversation with him about what pornography is and why it’s important for your family not to watch it. I recommend you download the guide included in this post “How to Talk to Your Kids about Pornography.” It’s free. It will walk you through the five things every child needs to know about pornography.
2) This Video to Teach Kids about Pornography can also be a helpful way to start the conversation.
3) Additionally, it’s really helpful if you ask him how he feels about what he’s seen. Some kids feel interested or curious while others feel anxious or many other emotions. When you learn how he feels, you can help him with any emotions he has around the experience.
How are you feeling about all this? Let me know if you have other questions. Wishing you and your family all the best.
I just noticed my 8years old daughter has been watching pornography for some months now. She said she stumbled on the website and watches it every day. I was very angry and ashamed because I felt like I have failed as a mother.
I later calmed down and spoke to her about it by telling her all she was watching was just acting and not real cos decent and God fearing people don’t act like that.
I know I can’t erase all she has watched but pls I need advise on the steps take to help her.
I’m glad you reached out. Those emotions are all normal, and I’m so sorry your family has to face this. There are several things you could do now to help your daughter. One is to put new guidelines in place to help her stop watching pornography. A good step is to only use devices in main rooms. Another important way to help her is to teach some of the reasons why pornography is harmful. You could start by mentioning that it shows unhealthy ways of interacting with people. Watching pornography can hurt us and our relationships. When we really love others, we respect them. We treat them and their bodies in respectful and appropriate ways. Lastly, a third thing I suggest is helping her process what she has seen. A really good way to do that is to just let her talk about it whenever she feels up to it. She may have questions, and it’s really helpful for her to know that you are there to listen and answer as best you can. It is clear you love your daughter. That matters most and will guide you as you help her through this. Sending my best.
My 11 years old son was caught watching it and this make me feel so embarrassed and sad….even him start crying and I am sure he felt embarrassed…I dont know how to handle this situation…all scared and confused
I’m so sorry. There is so much hard emotion around this experience. You’re not alone. Know that going forward, you can help your son learn how to make choices about this. I’m here to support and help you. Please let me know what specific questions you have.
Hello, my 8 year olds friends exposed him to pornography and we recently found out he has been searching about sex on his ipad. One day he came to my husband and I and completely confessed and since he has had intruding bad thought about sex . He has completely changed from being a fun/ active kid to sad and depressed these past three days since telling us. He cries and tells us he wants all those images out of his head and that he doesn’t want to think of having sex with everyone anymore. My husband and I have calmly approached the situation and listen to him when he has questions which is like every 5 minutes. We assure him that the images will not always be the first things he will think about and explain to him that sex will happen with his wife when he’s older and in love, not with his cousins, or strangers or males or three at a time. It unfortunate that part of his innocence was taken away by other kids. How can I continue to help him get those “bad thoughts “ out of his head?
It is very unfortunate that this has happened to your son, and I am so sorry. One way you might help him clear his thoughts is to share an analogy. Our minds are kind of like a TV screen. They only really have one story on them at a time. (Just as most TV’s only show one channel at a time, we only have one stream of thought at a time.) But sometimes an advertisement pops up that we don’t want to watch. When this happens, we can choose to change the channel. So if (like an unwanted advertisement) pornographic images pop into our mind, we can choose to “change the channel.” We purposely think of something else, and it helps to have that something ready before you need it. For example, you might think of a favorite family memory or sing a particular song. The more quickly and often we think of other things, the less often pornographic images will come to mind. Does that make sense? I’m not sure how clearly I explained it. Additionally, if praying is part of your family culture, we have found that praying helps as well. I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you have other questions, and know I’m wishing peace for you and your son.
Hi, this morning my 9 yes old daughter and 5 years old son accidentally exposed to a porn channel. My son acted calm and maybe he was distracted by something else but my daughter got all upset and feeling disgusted and scared. I feel very very bad, and I don’t know what to do.
I’m so sorry this happened with your kids. One of the best things you can do at this point is talk with your children about how they’re feeling. Give them a chance to share and process what they’ve seen. Answer questions they might have and talk about what they can do if they see pornography again. As you mentioned your daughter felt scared, reassure her that she is safe. If you’d like more specifics of how you can help, there is great information and support in my course Just Talk About It. Or you can reach out here with further questions. Know that you’re not alone, and keep loving those kids well!
Please Nancy were you able to help your son through this? My 9 year old is going through the exact same thing. He wants to talk to us after confessing all day he told me he thinks about doing things with me. He even said something about doing things to people that have died. I feel uncomfortable to be around my baby boy and I don’t know what to do. He woke up crying saying he had a dream he was doing things to me and stuff waS coming out of me and he want a the images to be gone. I have 4 kids and he’s my youngest my baby. He’s crying every day and then he will say something so inappropriate and I don’t know how to make it go away. I found out that he has been watching things all day long for hours so many inappropriate disgusting things. I need help and I don’t know what to do about it. Is his mind and future completely destroyed now?
Janet this is so hard to go through. When thoughts are this invasive and it’s uncomfortable for you to handle, it sounds like you’re both in a place where you’d probably benefit from getting professional support. You’re not alone in your challenges. There is hope for the future.
hi my 6 year old accidentally happened to see one of these pop ups on google as mentioned above by other parents… and thn repeated to see those videos and pictures with nudity hiding frm us.. This whole thing impacted her mind a lot and as she was guilty she came up to me and confessed all about it ! (which im very glad she did) but im really worried as she seems to be very confused and affected and has a lot of negative thoughts and mixed feelings, talks about nudity in her thought, sounds depressed all day… im trying my best to keep her busy and erase those thoughts completely frm her mind… by im sure this will take time. Please help how best can i help her come out of the guilt of having seen those things she was not supposed to and be her innocent self again.
I’m so sorry your daughter has had to go through this. These are such confusing experiences for our children. That’s so good that she was able to talk to you about it. One way to help her process these thoughts and emotions is to encourage her to continue to talk openly about it with you. Encourage her to share her feelings, and ask if she has questions. This can feel awkward or uncomfortable, especially at first, but it will be really helpful for her. It’s also important to help her not feel guilty, as you mentioned. Help her see that others bear responsibility as well for creating the material and marketing it in a way that she saw it accidentally to begin with. We talked with my six-year-old at the time (and now with all of our kids) about how some people do things that are wrong for various reasons such as they don’t understand the harm or they want to make money. Help her see that her responsibility is what to do in the future and how she chooses to treat her body and respect others. Most importantly, as always, just keep loving her in the ways she feels it. Sending prayers for peace.
I heard my 5 year old son tell Siri to show a picture of a penis on a girl’s butt. I felt weak in the knees and had no idea where it came from. His 2.5 year old brother was in the room too!!! So I tried to stay calm and just ask him where he heard those words. Turns out pop ups on google chrome on his iPad were the source of pornographic pictures. He described them as pictures of gown ups with no underwear. I talked to him and told him that these are private things and he cannot talk about these kind of things and that it was a mistake that his ipad had those things show up. I said I was gonna call google and tell them to take it off… he seemed pretty understanding.
Today I checked his messenger kids app randomly and saw he sent one of his friends a message saying if you have a brother put your penis on her. Luckily the kid had not seen the message and I called his mom to take his devices away and we figured out for that message to disappear.
I cant think straight, I cant breath, i I don’t want him to grow up with a twisted head and I dont want him to be the one exposing others to this kind of things. And he has a younger brother too. He is too sweet and innocent and I just can’t believe this. He does have a rebel in him like me and that makes it harder to strategize how to battle this… please help
This is hard. It is incredibly sad when we have these experiences and feelings. I’m so sorry. Know you’re not alone. It sounds like you have handled the situation really well so far. You have been calm and clear with your explanations and open with the friend who may have been affected. Did you talk with your son about what to do if pornographic images come up on his device again? He is really young and able to adjust and learn quickly from you. Now it’s important to be really consistent. Because it has come up several times, you may want to consider more supervised time on devices until you feel his thoughts have moved to a different subject. Please feel free to reach out again here in the comments or by email. Let me know how things are going or if I can help in someway. You’ve got this Momma! Sending hugs!
I am sorry, I am an older sister, and have found my little sister watching porn on the internet (she is 7 years old). I don’t know how to talk to her about it, and have really strict Asian parents, so I can’t tell them, as they would DEFINITELY not understand. I don’t know what to do.
Also, my name isn’t actually Eva, it is something else, I don’t want my parents seeing this though. I am a 17 year old sister btw.
No worries. I understand. You’ve made a very mature choice to reach out and try to help your sister. Do consider again talking to your parents. Most likely they have her best interest at heart and may be able to help too. Perhaps there is another trusted adult like a teacher or friend who knows your sister and could also help. Sending thoughts for understanding for your family!
Your sister is lucky and blessed to have you watching out for her. I’m sorry you’re in this position. If you are uncomfortable talking about pornography with your sister, you could watch this video together. It is very age appropriate and helps kids understand how pornography can be so harmful and what to do if they see it. You could also think about what helped you understand the harms of pornography. Maybe that would help her too. If you have other questions, please feel free to ask. Just remember, any way that you express care for her will be helpful, even if it is uncomfortable. You seem like a great big sister!
I hope this isn’t too old of an article to reply too. My husband and I just caught our six year old son watching porn in his tablet hiding. We handled it calmly, but he was exposed to it by his younger 6 year old friend who showed him how to google the word “naked girl”. I am angry, sad and lost. I feel good knowing I am not alone and that this is new uncharted waters for a lot of us, ex specially with our children being so young. My husband and I have talked a great deal about what to do next and I am so thankful I found this blog. I am scared, hurt, upset that my sons innocents has been ripped away…this has been going on for at least a month or two….what can we do? I will definitely follow the advice already given and just take it day by day. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am so sorry your family is having to deal with this. It just doesn’t feel right that our children are exposed to such things, especially at this age. I’m glad you found this post and that it is helpful. Know that you are just the Mom your son needs to help him navigate the difficult aspects of our time.
I’ve just had a similar experience with my 6 year old. He was sitting on the toilet with his Nintendo switch on YouTube looking at naked girls. I calmly asked him what he was looking at. He hit the home button and said just games. I took the device from him while got off the toilet. I looked at the search history and found he had searched naked girls. When I asked him about it he said he heard it on something else he was watching and wanted to search it. I explained that it was very inappropriate and that he wasn’t in trouble. He knew he did wrong and kept apologizing. I haven’t discussed it further with him as I am struggling to get my head around it. I t was obvious that he liked looking at it if you know what I mean. My husband is also in shock and we are both worried. I’ve deleted YouTube from the device but should we be thinking of seeking help?
That’s smart to delete YouTube from his device, and it’s really helpful for your son that you and your husband are talking about it together. Whether or not you get help needs to be your decision- listen to your Mom Instinct. I would consider it more strongly if he seems to continually make searches that lead to pornographic material. It’s very natural for him to enjoy looking at those types of images. Typically at this age, you can help him through conversations about what to do when he sees pornography, closely monitoring his device use, and continually discussing what healthy sexuality and relationships are and why those are important. Please feel free to reach out anytime. Wishing you all the best as you navigate these difficult questions.
I too have recently discovered that my 6 year old has discovered pornography, my initial reaction was shock followed by sadness that she had been exposed to it at this age. I was able to see what she has seen and how long she has been exposed to it. I found it quite upsetting to see the history but also relieved that I know what she has seen and how long it has been going on for. We briefly started the discussion of awareness and addressing the topic calming. She was very upset which makes me think that she knows it is wrong but does not yet understand why. Which is the main focus of dissucion. The last thing I want to do is make her feel ashamed and guilty for being curious, when I now know how accessible it is. We have discussed how it is inappropriate and the illusion it portrays. Explaining the effects of pornography has not only helped her understand what is appropriate and what is not but has also taught my partner and I that we need to be more aware of what she is being exposed to, which has encouraged boundaries. Like yourself I too, was more relaxed about devices more so than my partner but we have established ground rules with devices and internet usage. I’m hoping that these discussions will encourage her to be open with us with any topic of concern.
It is hard to know this is happening in the world, yet when we know we can make a positive difference. It sounds like you are doing just that for your daughter.
My 5 year old was caught watching pornography on the phone on youtube while it was child lock. I explained to him that it wasn’t him in trouble but it was YouTube in trouble. Those videos and people are naughty and yucky.
I am concerned on what he has seen and if he will try this when he goes for sleepovers or talks about it at school.
How or what can I do to get the images out of his head or at least for him to not think of it or act on it ?
I have found that the best way to not focus on those types of images is to replace them with positive images. As we try to fill our children’s lives with real love and respectful relationships, (as opposed to pornographic and exploitive relationships) they will come to want that real love for themselves. We can teach them what this real love is like through stories, discussions, respectful music, and the way we treat them and our partner. I invite anyone else reading to share their advice also as this is an important question. Thank you for asking it.
I found my 6yrs and 4yrs watching pornography in their daddy phone, I freaked out at first, shouted at my husband for keeping that kind of video in his phone, in fact I was mad at him that day, after some time my kids were afraid of the shouting and ran to their room,thinking that I was going to beat them, after some time I called them and hug them and I now ask them to tell me what they saw, from there we started the discussion, I tried to distract them from what they saw, now am confused if they still have that image on their heads, please am confused on what to do now, how do I go about it, please help me
Hi Mandy,
It’s so hard when our kids are confronted with pornography at such a young age! I’m sorry your family had to deal with this. The good news, however, is that this experience does not have to effect them in negative ways going forward. You’ve done a great thing in expressing love for them and starting the discussion. If you haven’t already, I’d make sure they understand what is appropriate and what to do if they see something inappropriate. (Turn it off and talk to Mom or another trusted adult.) This is a helpful video you could watch together. Many times talking about the experience is all we need to process what was seen and move on. The more we talk with our kids, the more open they will usually be with us. In general, you can ask your kids if they have questions or concerns about anything without asking specifically about pornography. If they’re thinking about it, at this age they’ll probably mention it.
Let me know if you have other questions by email or comment. I hope this is helpful.
Wishing you peace in this situation and all others.
Marielle
My 6.5 daughter has been obssesed lately about her private parts especially after her farther over reacting when she walks in the shower at him. Now she wears double pants, if by accident her brother hits her there she will come tell me and ask me can i scratch if it itches, i keep thinking of people kissing ans do on. I try to calm.her and explain its normal and that everyone should take care of their body and wear modestly and not show their private parts. I am afraid her farthers reactions to her several times with him/her younger brother caused her to think of private parts far too much and older than her age. She would constantly throughout the day ask me about it. How can i explain to her and keep her in her own age? I am really releifed to find other parents struguling as i am and thank you for your article. Sorry for my english i am a native speaker ♥
Hi Esra,
These are great questions. Helping our kids have a good relationship with their bodies is a big job and not always easy. Here are a few of my thoughts…
First, it is really helpful if Mom and Dad agree on how to teach about modesty. Try to have an honest discussion with your daughter’s father about your hopes for teaching your children. Explain your concerns about his reaction so it doesn’t happen again. Be willing to listen to his opinions as well.
Second, I would keep your comments calm, low-key, and simple. Be sure to answer her questions, so she knows she can talk to you about anything. It sounds like events have caused her to be extra aware of her private parts right now. Most likely that will pass with time and understanding.
Third, remember that what we do consistently really matters. Your daughter might not understand what you are teaching immediately. As you continue to reassure her and share your views, she will come to understand. Be patient.
Last, and most importantly, as always make sure you express unconditional love. She might have worries about her body or her interactions with others. Help her know that no matter what, she is great and loved the way she is.
I hope these ideas are helpful. Feel free to follow-up with further questions or thoughts.
Wishing the best for you and your family,
Marielle
i just caught my 6 years son watching some homesexual videos on his tablet, I have no idea how he managed to do that.
I have freaked out, maybe too much as I was in shock of it happening like this.
me and my wife talked to him but he seemed to have no understanding of this being wrong…do I have to believe that it didn’t affect him at all and that he already forgot about the whole thing and it was merely a curiosity of the moment ?
Hey Patrick- I of course don’t know your son, but at this age it is most likely curiosity or accidental. If you feel like you freaked out too much, you may consider bringing it up and telling him it surprised you, sorry for your reaction, and does he have any questions. What I have found to be really important is that this is now a beginning of an ongoing conversation. He needs to know he can talk to you about anything. It may be uncomfortable at first, or you might worry that he is too young. However, even by bringing it up, you’re helping him and your relationship in the long run. Whether or not he remembers this instance, he will encounter those types of videos again, and you can help him know what to do when that happens. Teach the what and why very clearly, and he will be prepared.
I like how you evaluated what you did well in this situation also. Instead of beating yourself up as a parent. Thats a good habit that I dont always do, so thanks for bringing attention to that as well.
That’s true. I hadn’t thought of it specifically in this case, but sometimes as parents we can be so hard on ourselves. We need to do just as we want our kids to do…forgive ourselves when we do make mistakes and try to be better. Thank you for bringing that up.
Very timely and wonderful content. I appreciate the openness and love exhibited throughout this experience. I hope all parents are being proactive.
I hope so too. Parents have a great opportunity here to do good for their children.
Im an older sister in college and caught my 7 year old brother in the midst of watching pornography. I asked to see his history and he would refuse and I finally got him to let me without a fight and saw that he was looking up sex. He first lied to me and said he doesn’t even know what that word means. As I continued scrolling I saw more and more, it was saddening. This was not his first time being caught. When I told him I had to tell our mom he freaked out and cried because my parents spanked him. I now don’t know how to help fix this. I don’t know how to tell my parents how to go about it because they’re devout Christians so I don’t even know if they can be open about having a conversation because they didn’t even do that with me as a child. I don’t want him to grow up with problems about pornography and relationships.
Hi Marissa,
First off, what an amazing sister you are! The fact that you are involved and concerned about your little brother’s life speaks volumes. He will be better off for your love.
I have found that the best way to go about any of these hard conversations (be it with your parents or your brother) is to come from a place of honesty and love. Try to be honest about both the pornography viewing and your brother’s response to you finding out. It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but if you approach it with calm and genuine concern for your brother, your parents might surprise you.
It is also helpful to ask sincere questions and really listen to the response. For example, you might ask an open question such as, “I really want to help my brother prevent pornography problems and develop healthy relationships, but I don’t know how best to do that. What would you advise?” These questions can help both of you better understand how pornography should be approached in the family and how to help your brother develop a healthy sense of sexuality and relationships. Questions also allow for a discussion of ideas without laying blame or becoming defensive. I have found it helpful to actually formulate these questions before the discussion.
I hope these thoughts are helpful. I really respect that you are willing to dive into this for your brother’s sake. Let me know how it goes or if you have other questions.
Love,
Marielle