How to Connect with a Difficult Child: 10 Ways to Bond with a Child that’s Very Different than You

Some kids are harder to raise than others. One challenge is wondering how to connect with a difficult child. It might feel difficult because we have a strong-willed child or one that has different interests or personality from us. These kids might be resistant to our teaching or relationship, so everything feels like a fight. It can be frustrating or saddening when we’re trying our best, but we can’t seem to connect. In this post we’ll talk about 10 ways to bond with a difficult child and how to connect with a child that’s very different than you.

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First off, good for you. If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you want to bond with a difficult child. Not everyone is up for that challenge. And while you might not feel up to it somedays either, your child is blessed by the efforts you make to strengthen your relationship.

Second, I’m sorry. It’s tough when we don’t connect, when we feel like our best efforts aren’t working. Raising a strong-willed or otherwise challenging child is tiring. Know that you’re not alone though.

Now, unfortunately, there’s some bad news. The bad news is that there is no guarantee about the relationship we will be able to build with a difficult child. We cannot control our kids, as much as we wish we could sometimes, (like when one crawls under the door while we’re stranded on a public toilet).

We can’t make our kids respond to us or feel the love we obviously have for them. They get to make their own choices. And that truth is hard.

However, the good news is that there is a guarantee about the way we can feel about that relationship. We can feel peace when we know that we’re loving this child to the best of our ability. Additionally there are a lot of things we can try in order to connect with a difficult child and create the strong parent-child relationship we desire.

We’re going to focus on ten ideas for how to connect with a difficult child.

1. Start with Yourself
2. Increase Understanding of and Compassion for Your Unique Child
3. Listen More
4. Focus on Positives
5. Connect On their Terms
6. Meet on Neutral Territory
7. Invite a Crowd
8. Serve Together
9. Be Patient
10. Love and Trust

So let’s dig in.

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Let’s Talk about Difficult Kids

When I was teaching high school health, one of my students consistently sat at the back of the classroom and distracted his classmates. He was irregular with homework and sometimes wrote rude answers on assignments he turned in. By many standards, he was a difficult kid.

However, as the semester progressed, something shifted. As a class, we took up a community service project of the students’ choosing. This particular student became a leader in the project and his demeanor in class changed.

I learned that prior to this he wasn’t difficult; he was simply uninterested.

I am a firm believer that kids aren’t bad.

Each of us, children included, has a unique set of talents and challenges. Some of those unique settings are harder in the context of who we are, how we parent, what we expect, or what life asks of kids.

So while I’m using the term “difficult child” here for the sake of communicating, let’s be intentional about how we think about and talk to and about our kids. Generally speaking, negative labels don’t do us a lot of good.

Our Role as a Parent of a Difficult Child

I believe that fundamentally, life is a process of growth. There is no end point. Our relationships and what we’re able to provide for our kids will continually change, hopefully towards more compassion and wisdom, but not always in a straight line.

Let’s not carry the unrealistic expectation that we should already know everything. That only adds guilt and self-reprimand to the already-present challenges of raising a difficult child.

So if you read these ideas and feel like you’ve dropped the ball, don’t condemn yourself. Learning, changing, and growing are vital parts of life.

On the other hand, you may already do all of these things and still not see the relationship you desire. In this case, I encourage you to really sit with numbers 9 and 10.

After all, we’re not factory managers churning out the latest version of a Barbie doll. We are in the much less precise line of human development.

Our role as a parent of a difficult child (or any child) is not to be everything for our kids right now. Instead, our role is to love to the best of our current ability and have a soft heart as we encounter opportunities for improvement.

That’s going to lead us right into our first idea for how to connect with a child that’s different from you or difficult.

10 Ways to Connect with a Difficult Child

Here are ten ideas to increase the bonding between you and your child.

1. Start with Yourself

I find over and over in parenting that the most effective place to start with any challenge is me.

Who I am and how I choose to see the world is where I have the most control. Additionally, the vision I have for our family life, how I think about my kids, and how I respond to them makes a huge difference in our home.

So, we can start with questions like these:

• What does my ideal relationship with my child look like? What part do I play in that relationship?
• Do my expectations take into account the unique personality of my child, or are my expectations based on what I thought my child would be like?
• Am I honoring my child’s ability to choose in life?
• If I were my child, would I want to hang out with a parent that acts like I do right now? How would I feel about the relationship if the roles were reversed?
• Am I consistently trying to “fix” or change my child? Am I appreciating the good in my child?
• What personal behaviors of mine make life harder for my child?

As we consider our intimate role in the relationship, we may desire to make personal changes. One of those changes could be letting go of some expectations. It is natural and normal to grieve for a loss of what you thought things would be like. Allow yourself to do that.

Recognize though that different doesn’t always mean worse. Sometimes in the end reality is even better than our expectations, and sometimes making a shirt in ourselves allows us to step into a more connected reality.

2. Increase Understanding of and Compassion for Your Unique Child

As we grow in our understanding of what causes our child’s behavior, we increase in compassion.

All of the following can be causes of behavior we often feel is difficult.

• Specific stage of development
  • For example, toddlers and teenagers go through stages of brain development that can result in swift fluctuations of mood. Additionally, adolescents experience hormonal changes. Each stage carries transitional milestones for independence that can be difficult to maneuver.
• Unmet needs
  • Consider needs such as rest, nutrition, movement, purpose, progress, play, and connection.
• Mental health challenges
• Other developmental or health challenges
• High natural energy levels
• High sensitivity to surroundings
• Talents, personality, or interests that aren’t wrong, just different from their parents’

It can be difficult to do, but it’s really healthy when we learn to not take our child’s difficult behavior personally. An often quoted and helpful reminder is, “My child isn’t giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.”

Take a walk in your child’s shoes and try to understand what your child is feeling and experiencing. When we bring more compassion into each interaction, we both feel more connected.

3. Listen More

When we’re trying to connect with a difficult child, it can be really tempting to talk and lecture, especially if we feel like we have the answers for their difficulties. Unfortunately, some kids don’t respond well to that, especially if they feel like we don’t really understand them.

So it might be helpful to try to talk less and listen more.

Everyone wants to be heard and understood, so simply listening can be a great way to bond with a difficult child.

But what about the kids that won’t open up, that won’t talk to us?

Remember that all behavior is communication. So what is your child communicating with body language and what he or she doesn’t say?

4. Focus on Positives

We are hard-wired to recognize and remember the negative more than the positive in life. However, research looking at married couples has found that stable relationships have one negative interaction for every five positive interactions.

It feels likely that such a ratio would also benefit the parent-child relationship.

When we look for the positives, we’ll find them. We can see how our strong-willed child will be a force for good in the world. Our child with different needs or interests can expand our view. A kid who wreaks havoc might have had good intentions.

As we share the positives with our child, it can soften the relationship and help them feel appreciated.

One small study found that on average, mothers showed a ratio of one positive for every one negative. However, when they learned about the importance of positive interactions and focused on it, every mother increased the ratio of positives.

Increasing our positive interactions is something we can do, and it will help us connect with a child who is different than us or difficult.

5. Connect On their Terms

Figure out what connection means to your child. While we might not feel connected, it’s possible that they do. Figuring out how to connect with a child that’s different from you can be hard because we might not naturally understand them.

Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell have outlined The 5 Love Languages Of Children.

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The idea is that we each experience love in different ways such as gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or physical touch.

We often experience connection in different ways too.

Here are a few ways to figure out how your child might like to connect:

• Ask
• Watch how they connect to others, such as their friends (Think about what they do as far as activities and how they do it, like with humor, high energy, thoughtfulness, etc.)
• Take a Children’s Love Languages quiz
• See how your child spends free time
• Experiment with different activities

While the way your child feels connection might not be the same as you, we show great love when we’re willing to connect with our kids on their own terms.

6. Meet on Neutral Territory

If we’re having a hard time with a child’s behavior, the tension in the relationship can spill over into all of our time spent together, even if there’s no difficult behavior at the moment. This is hard for kids and parents.

Sometimes we can declare neutral territory.

This might just be a time we choose to act differently on our own. With older kids, we could even explain that during this time or activity, we aren’t going to instruct, try to change, or teach. We’ll just be together. We’ll have fun and not bring the heavy stuff here.

One fun activity that could be used in this way is The Adventure Challenge. This is a unique way for families to connect with fun or meaningful activities. The activities are new to everyone, so it can be a great way to increase spontaneity and practice letting go of control.

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Here are some more activities that could provide neutral territory.

5 Fun Activities to Bond with a Difficult Child

• Take a class together where you’re both learning something new
• Go ice blocking, sledding, or another activity in the fresh air
• Bake (and don’t worry about the mess)
• Watch a movie together (requires minimal interaction 🙂 )
• Have your child choose a family activity

You can find over 25 fun ways to bond with kids here: 25+ Ways to Connect with Kids and Strengthen Your Parent-Child Relationship.

Maybe one of those ideas would be a fun way to connect with a difficult child in neutral territory.

7. Invite a Crowd

Often as parents we’re privileged to see the worst version of our kids.

Invite a friend to join a bonding activity, and sometimes the social interaction can improve behavior.

Additionally, consider other people your child might bond with like grandparents or cousins that love them. Even if we’re not the one feeling really close with our child, we want them to have healthy relationships.

If your child doesn’t seem to connect to anyone or you’re worried about their development, consider talking with a professional healthcare provider. We do not have to parent alone.

8. Serve Together

Serving is a powerful way to bond with those we serve and those we serve with.

If kids aren’t automatically on board, it can be helpful to give them some choice. Maybe they could decide which cause to support or help brainstorm ways to help. Choose a cause that is meaningful to your child or family.

Additionally, encourage service that plays to your child’s strengths. For example, if they are very high-energy, they might appreciate doing physical labor for an elderly person. If they are musically inclined they could perform a charity concert.

You can also request a free copy of the mini eBook Raising Compassionate Children in a Conceited World, which also includes 101 Service Ideas for Families.

9. Be Patient

Unfortunately, our ideal timing doesn’t always match reality.

We might need to be patient much longer than we hoped before we feel connected to our child or see the benefits of our efforts in the form of a comfortable relationship.

I know that’s not the easiest thing to hear, but recognizing that we’re not alone in our struggles and finding peace in knowing we’re doing our best can help us be patient.

10. Love and Trust

Love ought to be at the heart of everything we do as parents, and we can share that with our kids. When we have instruction to give, we can let them know it’s because we care about their well-being.

Express love consistently and unconditionally, and then trust.

Trust that our kids will eventually grow out of a difficult stage or come to see our heartfelt intentions.

And also trust that your child is known and loved by your higher power.

I feel great peace in my belief that there is a God who loves each of us completely, who supports me in my loving efforts and is continually reaching out to my child, no matter how different or difficult that child may be.

Bonding with a Child that’s Different

Whether your child is different from you, different from your other kids, or different than what you expected, I hope these ten ways to connect help spark a meaningful shift in your relationship.

Parenting is challenging, and having a child that doesn’t respond well to us adds to the difficulties. However, know that you’re probably doing better than think. And even in the hard, there are reasons for gratitude and joy. I hope you are able to dwell on those reasons with your kids.

What have you found helps you connect with a difficult child? What struggles are you facing? Share in the comments.

–>Would you like more help and support? Check out upcoming coaching opportunities with Marielle or schedule a call.

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