How to Stop Being a Perfectionist [Coping without Perfectionism]

Are you tired of your perfectionist tendencies? Or are you trying to help a perfectionist child? Perfectionism is a coping mechanism, and one that wrecks a lot of havoc for us and our loved ones. In this post, we’re going to focus on how to find healthier coping mechanisms and how to interrupt perfectionist habits and thought patterns. The three steps in today’s post will be helpful for the perfectionist child, struggling perfectionist, or recovering perfectionist. It’s time to learn how to stop being a perfectionist.

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Perfectionism is…

Perfectionism is hard. It’s hard for the struggling perfectionist, and it’s hard for surrounding loved ones.

Compounding the problem is the rising trend of perfectionism, likely linked to social media pressure, career and educational competition, and other factors.

So my goal with this post is to help. It’s to help the person who wants to stop being a perfectionist. It’s to help the parent who is struggling with a perfectionist child.

Maybe this is a new effort and maybe this person has tried many strategies already. Whichever the case, I hope something in these three steps to stop being a perfectionist helps. I hope it brings more peace and joy into the lives of the perfectionist and his or her loved ones.

3 Steps to Stop Being a Perfectionist

In the previous post on this subject, we learned how perfectionism is a coping mechanism.

How to Understand Perfectionism in a Way that Shows Us How to Overcome It

With the understanding that perfectionism is a coping mechanism, we can see how to stop being a perfectionist. These three steps and related tips will help us overcome perfectionism.

Step #1. Commit to Stop Being a Perfectionist

An important step in any life change is a commitment to the change. Here is a pattern that is really helpful in deciding to make changes in life. I call this tool for transformation “The ABC’s of Change,” and here we’ll apply the ABC’s to perfectionism. Write the responses to the following five prompts.

A is for Awareness

First, we become aware of our perfectionist tendencies. We write down how perfectionism manifests in our life and what root hardship(s) we are addressing with perfectionism. The more specific we are the more helpful this is.

Here are some possible root hardships for consideration.

• Hurt
• Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy
• Anxiety or uncertainty
• Lack of control
• Competition
• Expectation or commandment to be perfect
• Desire or expectation to excel

B is for Benefits

Next, we write down what benefits perfectionism provides in our lives. This is a really important and often overlooked step.

We do things because they work for us. In other words, we continue with habits because there is a perceived benefit. “Perfectionism is bad” is an over-generalization. If we fail to recognize those benefits, we won’t fully understand why we cling to old habits, either consciously or subconsciously.

Some of the benefits of perfectionism are that we feel like we are addressing the root hardship. We might not have full control in life, but we are exerting control in some perfectionist ways, and we like to control things. 😉 Perfectionism does lead to success and high achievement in some cases. Consider what other personal benefits come from perfectionism.

C is for Consequences

Because we just covered positive benefits, here we will write the negative consequences of perfectionism. Think about how perfectionism affects multiple facets of life, such as our emotions, mental health, time, and relationships.

For example, Brene Brown wrote, “Perfectionism never happens in a vacuum. It touches everyone around us. We pass it down to our children, we infect our workplace with impossible expectations, and it’s suffocating for our friends and families.”

D is for Decide

This is where we weigh the pros and cons. We acknowledge that although there are benefits to perfectionism, the negative consequences outweigh them.

We decide to let go of perfectionism, even if it’s hard.

E is for Embrace

Whenever we take something out of our life, it’s helpful to consciously embrace something to take its place. If not, the odds are we will fall right back into our old habits. In this case, that means embracing the healthier coping mechanisms and habits we’ll talk about in the next two steps.

Step #2. Find a Healthier Coping Mechanism for Our Root Hardship

We need to look at the specific root hardship we’re trying to address and then learn healthy ways to cope with it. There are countless healthy coping mechanisms, but today we’ll focus on one really powerful one.

By way of example, we’ll examine the root hardship of a sense of inadequacy or lack of self-worth. This is a very common root hardship with perfectionism.

Paul Hewitt is a psychologist who has been researching perfectionism for over 30 years. He said, “Perfectionism is about attempting to correct or deal with a defective, flawed, not-good-enough sense of self.”

It’s hard to find a human that doesn’t feel flawed. We all feel flawed because we are. That is part of being human. We all make mistakes.

What makes this a root hardship is when we believe that there is something inherently wrong with us. The struggle comes when we feel that our flawed nature or mistakes make us unworthy of love, happiness, success, or satisfaction.

A Different Perspective

Imagine talking to your child and saying something like the following.

“You are not perfect. You’re going to make mistakes, say things you regret, and do things you regret. Sometimes when you try new things, you will fail. And because of that, you are not worthy of love.

You are not worthy of success or happiness. Only when you can do things perfectly will you actually be worthy.”

How harsh does that feel?

And yet, so often that is what we tell ourselves.

A Message of Compassion

What is the message we really want to send our children?

For me, that message is that they are loved no matter what. Just by virtue of being, they are worthy of love and happiness. When they make mistakes, I will offer grace. More than me, God also offers grace and finds us worthy. I want my children to feel compassion from me. That is the message we want to send to our children, our friends, and all those we love.

I love the saying, “You teach what you are.”

If we want to teach this kind of worthiness and compassion, we need to embody it.

It’s a Choice

Let’s recognize the humanity in our flawed nature and accept it. We are flawed. We do make mistakes. That is part of being human. And with that flawed nature and all those mistakes we’re going to make, we still have worth.

This is a truth we need to choose to accept about ourselves.

I have worth no matter what.

This is a compassionate belief about humanity. It is self-acceptance, self-compassion. Really it’s compassion for everyone.

A healthier coping mechanism than perfectionism is compassion, and I choose compassion.

An Interesting Challenge

It’s an interesting and eye-opening challenge to go through each root hardship on the list above and consider how compassion could be a healthier coping mechanism.

The more I learn, the more answers keep coming back to the same thing: love, charity, compassion. Compassion for self and compassion for others.

Jesus said, “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Science says that compassion has “tremendous benefits for both physical and mental health and our overall well-being.”

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama put it perfectly when he said,

Related: Raising Compassionate Children in a Conceited World

Step #3. Interrupt Perfectionist Thought Patterns and Habits

When we choose to believe something different about ourselves, namely that we are inherently worthy, it fundamentally changes us. Many perfectionist tendencies will stop being a problem.

However, because we are creatures of habit, we may fall back on those perfectionist habits and thought patterns that we are used to. So the third step is to interrupt those and fully embrace the new mindset. We want to retrain our brains.

How to Stop Being a Perfectionist by Retraining our Brains

• Choose a mantra that aligns with self-compassion, such as “I am worthy,” or even, “I choose compassion.” Meditate on or pray about that mantra to more fully accept it.
• When you find yourself in a perfectionist tendency, recognize it without judgement, and gently pull your brain back to your self-compassion mantra.
• If you are stressing about details, ask yourself, “What is the true purpose of this activity? How much do these details really affect the purpose?” Make sure your purpose is in line with compassion, and choose to be purpose driven. For example, a piano song can fulfill its purpose of spreading joy without being played flawlessly.
• During a perfectionist struggle, adjust your goal to focus on progress. Teach your brain to respect and celebrate progress.
• Pay attention to your self-talk. Talk to yourself with compassion in the way you would talk to your child or dear friend.

Honor the Climb

When I was in college, I had the remarkable opportunity to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with my sister. I learned a lot from that experience. From the adventure, I’ve drawn a lot of parallels with important principles about change. I sum them up for myself with the call to “Honor the climb.”

I’m going to mention two important principles here.

First, our climb to an elevation of over 19,000 feet required us to ascend and descend, so we could adjust to the elevation. In the same way, our progress in any meaningful change may be up and down, two steps forward and one step back.

Second, our climb up the mountain required guides and porters to show the way on unfamiliar paths and help carry our load. We were never meant to do life alone. As we seek change, we can find others who are familiar with the path or willing to carry our load.

The mountain of perfectionism might be a long climb for some. But let’s apply compassionate thoughts to the change itself. Respect and celebrate progress. Recognize that a slip into perfectionism is not a death sentence, it’s part of the climb. Lean on family members, coaches, professionals, friends, and God who can continually remind you of and offer you the compassion necessary to reach the top. Honor the climb, my friend. Because in honoring what it takes to get there, you will make it.

Was something in this post beneficial for you? What has helped you or a loved one learn how to stop being a perfectionist? Please share in the comments.

Additionally, if you’d like to work through this process with someone else, I’d love to support, encourage, and guide you. I invite you to schedule a call with me or check upcoming group or individual coaching opportunities.

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Recommended Related Reading…

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

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