How to Understand Perfectionism in a Way that Shows Us How to Overcome Perfectionism

Today we are going to look at how to understand perfectionism in a way that shows us how to beat it. Whether you are a struggling perfectionist, recovering perfectionist, or you love a perfectionist (maybe you’re trying to help a perfectionist child), this perspective will be beneficial. It’s time to ditch the stress, and move forward with greater peace. It’s time to learn how to overcome perfectionism once and for all.

Are you struggling with perfectionism on top of a crazy mom life? The Roadmap to Crushing Overwhelm will help you find calm in the moment and peace through prevention in the future.

Perfectionism feels…

Self-berating. Unworthy. Self-critical. Feelings of achievement, but they’re short-lived. Intensified with the pandemic. Always striving to secure approval. Always questioning myself. Fearful of failure. There’s a voice in my head telling me I must do better, be better, do more.

Perfectionism feels exhausting.

While some debate whether perfectionism is “good” or “bad,” if you’re experiencing these emotions, I’m here to tell you there is a different way. There is a way that still allows you to achieve and succeed without all the negativity, fear, and exhaustion.

In order to find this different way of living, to overcome perfectionism, we need to really understand perfectionism in a specific way that teaches us how to beat it.

What is perfectionism?

Before we get to the really good stuff, let’s make sure we’re on the same page about what perfectionism is.

Perfectionism by dictionary definition is “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.”

Perfectionism is a continuum. On one end of the continuum is the struggling or recovering perfectionist where everything in life is tinged with perfectionism. Down on the other end of the continuum, someone might just be fussy about somethings, like the way the laundry is folded for us or how homework is completed for our perfectionist child.

Sometimes our perfectionist behavior is really obvious, and sometimes it’s subtle. For some, it’s obvious to those around us, but we don’t recognize the perfectionism in ourselves.

Related Tendencies or Signs of Perfectionism

Here are some signs of perfectionism that can help us recognize perfectionism in ourselves or our children.

• Critical of own mistakes or other people’s mistakes.
• A lot of stress over details.
• Strong fear of failure is present. Focused on avoiding failure.
• Unrealistically high expectations of self and/or others.
• Often procrastinate (because of a fear of failure).
• Shrugs off compliments. Never quite feel good enough.
• Love feels conditional. Approval must be earned with perfection.
• Drastic consequences are attached to perfection or lack of perfection.

According to one prominent study, perfectionism and these related tendencies have risen a lot in recent generations.

Recognizing Perfectionist Mindsets

One way to recognize a perfectionist mindset is to ask, “What do I think will happen if I do this perfectly?” and “What do I think will happen if I don’t do this perfectly?”

A perfectionist mindset sees drastic consequences for failure. Perfectionists often attach an all-or-nothing feeling to tasks. A perfectionist mom might think that if she doesn’t stick to her cleaning schedule perfectly, her home will fall to pieces.

On the other hand, perfectionists often believe there are guarantees they can earn with a perfect performance. For example, we may feel that if we are perfect parents, our children will obey and turn out happy and healthy.

An Example of Perfectionist Thinking

Another example of this kind of perfectionist thinking is seen in how one woman, “Merely Me” described her perfectionist tendencies starting in her childhood. Her mother was sick, and they were very poor. As a child, Merely Me started to believe that if she was perfect, her mother would be healed, and she would be able to work her way out of poverty.

On the other hand, if she was not perfect, she felt her mother would remain ill forever, and she would never escape the clutches of poverty. These are drastic consequences connected here to both perfection and the lack of perfection.

We can have perfectionist thoughts about anything from parenting or housecleaning to appearance and body image.

So if we recognize these tendencies in ourselves or our child, how do we stop being a perfectionist?

The Powerful Mindset Shift

The powerful mindset shift we need to have is to recognize that perfectionism is not the problem. Perfectionism is the symptom.

Where perfectionism reigns, my heart goes out. It means there’s something hard going on. In trying to deal with it, we look to perfection to solve the problem. We’re just trying to cope. Perfectionism is a coping mechanism.

When we understand that perfectionism is a symptom, we can dig deeper to the underlying cause of our perfectionism. As we address that underlying cause, we can make lasting changes.

Perfectionism is a Coping Mechanism

Let’s think about Merely Me again. As a child, Merely Me lived in poverty with a single mother that had mental illness. That is HARD. As a way to cope with these hard circumstances, she turned to perfection. If she was perfect, she could change her hard situation.

I call these underlying hard situations the root hardship. We can turn to perfection to solve any number of root hardships.

For another example, if we have been hurt in the past, we can turn to perfection in thinking, “If I am perfect, my loved ones won’t hurt me like that again.”

Paul Hewitt is a psychologist that has been studying perfectionism for over 30 years. He described another root hardship when he said, “Perfectionism is about attempting to correct or deal with a defective, flawed, not-good-enough sense of self.”

Here are some common root hardships that we often try to cope with using perfection.

• Hurt
• Sense of inadequacy or worthlessness
• Uncertainty or anxiety
• Lack of control
• Competition
• Commandment or expectation to be perfect
• Desire or expectation to excel

Yes, these are real hard things in life.

And one way we can try to cope with them is with perfection.

Why Many Strategies Don’t Last in Overcoming Perfectionism

Often when trying to overcome perfectionism, we hear things like, “Just embrace imperfection,” or “Focus on setting realistic goals.” While these strategies help disrupt perfectionist thought patterns (which we’ll talk more about in a minute), they often don’t solve the problem.

Now that we know how to understand perfectionism as a symptom, let’s look at why these strategies often don’t last in the long-run.

For example, if we tell Merely Me to set realistic goals, she might be able to do that. She could learn how to set goals based on what she can control that are “doable” and purpose focused. But her problem isn’t actually the desire to be perfect. Remember, her problem is all the hard things in the relationship with her mother and their lives.

So even if she starts setting realistic goals and stops striving for perfection, she still has to deal with those really hard realities.

The easiest (and probably most likely) way for her to deal with all of that is to fall back into perfectionism because that’s what she’s used to doing. In this way, even with effort and several strategies, perfectionism creeps back into life.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Once we understand that perfectionism is a coping mechanism, it’s much easier to see how to overcome perfectionism once and for all.

There are two important parts.

1. We need to find a healthier coping mechanism for our root hardship(s).

As we recognize and address the underlying cause of perfectionism, we clear the need of it from our lives.

2. We need to interrupt perfectionist thought patterns and habits.

We are creatures of habit. So along with addressing the root hardship, we’ll need tools and strategies to help us break perfectionist habits and thought patterns. These are the tools like setting realistic goals. They’re needed, but not enough on their own.

An upcoming post covers how to do these two things: find healthier coping mechanisms and change perfectionist habits. However, here’s what we can do today to help ourselves or our child overcome perfectionism.

What You Can Do Today

We can move forward right now with overcoming perfectionism by figuring out the underlying cause of perfectionism for us specifically. What is our root hardship(s)? If we’re helping a perfectionist child, we can begin to figure our his or her root hardship(s).

Sometimes the root hardship is obvious. It’s a hurt or belief or something very near the surface. We regularly spend time and energy thinking or worrying about it.

Other times, the root hardship is buried. It might be something stemming from long ago. Maybe we’re working through it subconsciously or haven’t made the connection yet.

In this case, one way to figure out the root hardship is to ask ourselves, “Why do I feel the need to be perfect?” Answer, then ask why again. Answer, then ask why again. Move deeper until we discover the root hardship.

Here’s an example of digging deeper: Why do I want to keep the house perfectly clean? Because if I don’t then germs will be here. Why do I care about germs? Because I don’t want people I love to get sick. Why don’t I want them to get sick? Because then they might die. So the root hardship here is fear of death or lack of control over death.

Another way to figure out the root hardship is to go through the root hardships listed above and consider each. Think about if there is an unresolved hurt, feeling of inadequacy, struggle with lack of control, or another hardship present.

When we learn how to understand perfectionism as a symptom, and we figure out what it is a symptom of for us personally, then we are ready to stop being a perfectionist.

Next Step: How to Stop Being a Perfectionist [Coping without Perfectionism]

Greater Compassion

When I understand perfectionism as a coping mechanism, it brings a lot of compassion into my life, whether I’m looking at it in myself or someone else. When we’re struggling with perfectionism, it’s not that we really want to be better than everyone else or think we are better than others. We’re not trying to negatively impact our kids as a perfectionist mom. Rather, we’re struggling; we’re dealing with something hard.

This brings patience for myself, my child, or another that can’t seem to “just embrace imperfection” or figure out how to set realistic goals.

Acknowledging the hardship in each of our experience brings greater compassion for me, and I hope it does for you too. At the end of the day, compassion will solve so many problems, probably even perfectionism.

Is this a helpful way for you to understand perfectionism? What are some of the root hardships you or another are dealing with? Please share in the comments!

Additionally, if you’d like to work through this process with someone else, I’d love to support, encourage, and guide you. I invite you to schedule a call with me or check upcoming group or individual coaching opportunities.

I’m sharing this post at some of these Link Parties I Love! Thank you hosts!

Was this post helpful for you? If so, please share it on Pinterest!

Do you like what you’re reading?

Subscribe to receive more great tips, free downloads, and inspiration to simplify your parenting life. Following by email is the best way for us to help each other. Let’s get you the break you need and the deeper connection and fulfillment you want.