Keeping the Love in Discipline: How to Teach and Reach Kids

Discipline is beneficial for our children, if they feel loved through the process. Teach and reach your child with love using these five tips.

1. Discipline is Loving

In some circles, the word discipline has taken on a negative connotation. Indeed, some methods of discipline do have negative long-term consequences. However, the word discipline is neither here nor there. Whatever you want to call it, this post is talking about the actions we take as parents to help teach, correct, and mold a child’s behavior. I’m going to call it discipline, and discipline is a loving thing.

When we teach a child the rules and expectations that lead to a safe, successful, and happy life, we show that child love.

A child without discipline in the home will struggle in a myriad of preventable ways.

So first off, make sure you are choosing your rules and expectations out of love. Convenience and logistics necessarily play a role in family life. I even say parental preference has a place. However, be willing to be flexible and adjust when a lesser reason is the purpose of a rule. They might be more like guidelines in that case.

Be conscientious in choosing meaningful rules for your family out of love for your children. Be consistent in following those rules, and move forward with love.

2. Prevention is the Best Medicine

Just like we want to prevent cavities and heart disease, the best approach to discipline is prevention. That means, as much as possible we want to teach our kids, rather than only react to their behavior.

We try to spend concentrated time everyday in teaching the kids morals, expectations, and “life lessons.” We have found that breakfast is a good time to have these daily conversations.

Every week we also have a family night. Part of that night together is spent teaching.

Consequence is an important word in our teaching. Every action has a consequence, good or bad. We get to choose our actions, but we can’t change the consequences that accompany those choices. Sometimes to help our kids understand the concept of consequence and the results of their choices, we implement parent-chosen consequences to accompany natural consequences. Whenever possible, those consequences should be taught beforehand as well and consistently applied.

Children should not be blindsided by natural consequences or our response when they make poor decisions.

No matter how great we are at teaching our kids that they should make good choices and what those choices are, they won’t always follow that wise counsel. Rather than thinking of discipline as retroactive punishment, approach even poor behavior as an opportunity to prevent further problems.

3. Tone Matters

Recently I was talking with my husband upstairs. He was telling me how tired he was at the moment when we heard an argument break out downstairs. My husband called the troops upstairs. In his exhaustion, it may have been easy to yell at the kids. However, I watched as he calmly diffused the situation and helped each child see how they could be a peacemaker.

No matter what is going on in our lives, we have the choice of what kind of voice we will use. The more you believe voice and tone are a choice, the better you will be at controlling yours. Train yourself so that if your frustration is mounting you will close your eyes, take three long, deep breaths, or squeeze your fists before speaking. Give yourself a moment to calm so that you can speak from a place of love rather than frustration, exhaustion, or the myriad of other emotions that we experience.

Choosing a kind volume and tone matters. I love the quote by L.R. Knost which says, “Speak quietly so children can hear your words instead of just your voice.”

When we speak gently, our message gets through and our voice shows respect and love for our children.

For a long time, we had a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley on our bathroom mirror. I loved seeing the reminder everyday: “Cultivate the art of the soft answer. It will bless your homes, it will bless your lives, it will bless your companionships, it will bless your children.”

4. Use the Power of Proximity

When we were in college together, my brother used to tease me about my pedagogy classes. The classes definitely weren’t as rigorous as most of his schedule. Plus, I think it is a pretty funny word. However, much of the teaching in those classes about how to teach have remained helpful in my efforts as a parent. One such pointer is about the power of proximity.

If a student is misbehaving in class, one way to often quell the behavior without causing further interruption is to simply move closer to that particular student.

In the home too, proximity matters. Rather than yelling through the house, when possible, get up and move to the problem. Instead of towering over your Little, get down on their level. Make eye contact. Sit next to your child while you discuss a preferred behavior or put an arm around their shoulders. End timeout with a hug.

Not only does proximity effectively grab attention, it also allows you to show love with your body language.

5. Say, “I love you, AND…”

In our home growing up, my mom imparted an important piece of wisdom about the true meaning of the word “but.” BUT stands for Bottom Underlying Truth. Using “but” negates whatever you have previously said. Therefore, when someone says, “I love you, but that behavior is unacceptable,” the most important message being sent is about the behavior. The child’s behavior trumps the parent’s love.

Don’t lessen the message of your love.

Fix the habit with a simple switch. “I love you, AND…”

Why All of this REALLY Matters

It is a great gift for children to be sure of parental love, no matter what, even when they mess up.

This love helps them trust our guidance. The love is how we actually teach them, how we actually reach their little hearts. When we are sending a message of love, we will get through to our kids.

This love will be a comfort for them.

Importantly, this kind of parental love can help kids develop a founded sense of self worth. That self worth will help them tackle life, whatever it brings, and find joy. Self worth yields courage and compassion.

Discipline is important as a way for us to help our children. We should always discipline as a sign of our love, not at the expense of our love.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

When we show love as we discipline, we show unconditional love. That, afterall, is reality. No matter how many times our Littles disobey, argue, or throw tantrums, we always love them. We know it. Let’s make sure they know it.

How has loving discipline helped shape your life? What do you do to show your kids love as you discipline? Share in the comments.