My Parents Rocked This…and I Want to Follow

It was late when my dad woke me up and got me out of bed. He told me to quietly put shoes on and meet him in the backyard. No, we were not running away, we were playing catch.

I remember being out under the lights in my pajamas. I’d pitch, and he’d catch. He’d throw grounders and pop-flies for me to field.

During basketball season, he would rebound for me while I practiced free-throws, left-handed lay-ups, and dribbling behind my back before a pull-up jump shot.

I wasn’t a Chatty Cathy back then, but we talked. One night he told me I could work on not crying quite so much when I got hurt. I did choose to be a little tougher after that.

I grew up in a family of six kids. Often we had others in our home too. There was usually a lot going on with sports, music lessons, church activities, family events, and on, and on. My mom had a calendar with events color coded for each child, and that calendar was FULL.

However, with all that went on, my parents always took time to be with me one-on-one. I recognized it. I appreciated it. And I loved the time we spent together.

The Really Big Picture

As I have gone through my life, I have learned that many problems faced by kids, teenagers, and adults alike are because of a lack of real individual worth.

Some call this self-esteem, a term I think has gone through the wringer over the years. I believe self-worth or individual worth more accurately describes what is really needed. It’s not a sense that “I am good at doing different things.” It is the knowledge that EVERY human (myself as well as others) have inherent worth, not earned or diminished by any individual’s actions.

Unfortunately, many do not have a sense of self-worth. They may believe it generally about others, but not apply it specifically to themselves.

For many, there is a sad, often unstated feeling that in some way, “I am not quite good enough.” Stated another way, people feel like they have to perform at a certain level or behave in a certain way in order to be loved. I can’t be the real me or let others know the real me because that real me is not quite what it should be.

These unseen, often deep-rooted feelings of insecurity or unacceptance can lead to a myriad of problems we can see.

Individuals who lack self-worth may…

• Feel pressure to live in nearly impossible ways. Think perfectionism, eating disorders, or hyper-guilt.
• Want to escape into a more relaxing world where desired connections can be felt, even if not in reality. Sometimes leads to drug and alcohol abuse, pornography, or other addictions.
• Live in constant competition. “I know I’m not quite good enough, but at least I’m better than that guy.” Sometimes shown as “Little Man Syndrome.”
• Feel deep depression.
• Rebel. “If I can’t live up to the standards I’m supposed to, I will show everyone that I’m not even trying.”
• Avoid healthy risks. “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”
• Belittle others to bring themselves up.
• Give in to peer pressure.
• Avoid success because “I’m not worthy of it.”
• Shy away from deep relationships.

There are other factors that play into all of these problems, but I have seen self-worth cause or magnify every one of these issues. And this list is not exhaustive.

As my husband often says, “They just need to feel more love.”

Everything in life changes if we have a personal sense of self-worth and know we are loved as an individual.

Individuals with self-worth are more likely to…

• Handle disappointments in life as part of life, not a personal reflection of self worth.
• Work through challenges in relationships because they feel they are worth it.
• Take healthy risks, as failure does not define them.
• Make deeper connections and relationships based on reality.
• Be excited for others’ success, as it in no way diminishes their own.
• Make decisions based on personal desires and sense of morality, rather than approval-seeking.
• Feel optimistic about the future.
• Treat others with respect.
• Live at peace with themselves, faults and all.
• Work on self-development because they feel they are worth the time and effort.

Why some people seem to have this sense of individual worth inherently while others struggle to feel love is a complex question.

However, I guarantee that if we know our children as individuals, we will be more likely to find meaningful ways to connect that can help them feel loved and gain self-worth.

Spending one-on-one time with our kids allows opportunity for both of those things to happen: we, as parents, can come to know our children better and meaningful exchanges can occur.

Three Keys to Make One-on-One Time with Kids Happen

There are three vital keys to making one-on-one time happen. 

1. Set the Intention

   • Decide that one-on-one time is a priority for you. If it is not, life happens. Especially if you have a large family, but really for anyone, it is easy to get busy. We can be surrounded by the kids and “busy with the kids” without connecting individually with them. When we set meaningful intentions, we are more likely to make those goals happen.
   • Strive to know each child as an individual, not just as part of the whole that makes up your family.

2. Get Out the Calendar

   • Make a plan. When will you have that important one-on-one time? Schedule periodic, individualized events.
   • I remember Saturday nights my dad and a brother hit up several of the local grocery stores and went coupon shopping. Twice a year, we had scheduled personal interviews, where we talked about our likes, dislikes, strengths, and goals. When it was time for a more official beloved maturation/sex talk, Dad and Mom took each of us out to a special dinner, just them and the child who was “growing up and liking it.” 🙂 We like to plan Daddy-Child and Mommy-Child dates. We also take turns keeping one child up late to play games with Mom and Dad.
   • I don’t know how your house works, but at mine, if it’s on my calendar, it’s going to happen (even if we are a bit late getting there ;). If something does not make the calendar, wish me luck!

3. Make Moments Matter

   • While it is important to plan one-on-one time, it is also key to take advantage of daily moments.
   • What we’re looking for does not have to cost money or be a big production. We are looking for meaningful connections, where we come to know our children for who they really are, not who we think they might be. We are looking for opportunities to express love for and to our children. These moments can happen all day!
   • As a stay-at-home mother, my mom was an excellent example of this. She still does it with me and my children. While doing your daughter’s hair, ask what she’s looking forward to about that day. When you pick your son up from school, look in his eyes and listen about his day. While driving your daughter to sports, talk. Invite a child to help you make dinner. Work together on homework or a project in the yard. Snuggle with a child before bed.
   • Make these moments happen everyday.

How to Get the Most From Your One-on-One Time

Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately?) time is limited.

Before we know it, the kids are entering kindergarten (sniffle, sniffle) and then heading off to college (AAAAGH!). We want to make the time we have together count.

The following are five simple ideas for getting the most from your one-on-one time with your children.

1. Put the devices away. Both of you.
2. Listen. (This is for me…sometimes I slip into “lecture mode” too easily. I am a teacher at heart. But I too need to remember that the best teaching starts with listening.)
3. Watch. Even when kids can’t express all of their feelings verbally, if we are really paying attention, we can see emotions in their eyes and body language.
4. Laugh. What makes that individual child laugh? Find out and do it together. Laughter is bonding and healthy for both of you.
5. Cater. Apply what you already know to your child. Do something according to his or her personal interests or needs.

As we come to know our children as the individuals they are and show them our commitment to them personally, our relationships will be strengthened. They will be more likely to feel our love and have a foundation for self-worth.

I look back at gardening with Dad, talking with Mom, and all the other one-on-one memories, and I am so grateful for those moments, planned and unplanned.

They really did lay the foundation for me to develop my own sense of self: a self loved by my parents, God, and others; a self who is worthy of good and happiness.

My parents rocked one-on-one time, even in a large family, and I want to follow their example.

At one time in life, we had one child. Then we had two, then three, now four. We are even hoping for a couple more.

While the love definitely multiplies, time does not. We need to make each child a priority.

With as many children as we are blessed with, it is a priority for me to spend individual time with each one. I will be the first to admit that I am not always good at making that happen. However, I am grateful that every day is a fresh start. I can make it happen today, and I can make a plan for it to happen in the future.

I hope each of our children has memories and moments to look back on of time spent just with Mom and Dad. And I hope we are each better off for it.

What do you do to make sure that one-on-one time happens in your home? I’d love to hear in the comments. What did your parents do? What are some of your favorite ways to spend that individualized time? I would also really love to hear how you came to have your own sense of self-worth. Do you think self-worth is as important as I believe it is?

*A special thanks to my mom, who not only set the example in this regard, but also counseled with me as I planned this post. You’re the best!! 🙂 

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