3 Ways We Make it Harder for Children to Reach their Goals

An important part of our parenting is helping our kids develop in meaningful ways. Whether their goals involve a personality shift, helpful lifetime habit, New Year’s Resolution, or an expectation we have set for them, as our children implement important changes in their lives, we can be their greatest advocate. Unfortunately, we can also make their job more difficult. Here are three key ways we make it harder for our children to reach their goals.

The Trek Is Hard Enough Already

A few weeks ago, the kids and I went for a spontaneous hike. They were all excited about the prospect of hiking a mountain they had seen often. While some might call me crazy for traversing up a snowy mountain with five Littles, we had a great time. The three older kids are pretty independent and enjoyed chatting and watching the view as they climbed. I wore Little #5 in a front pack and helped two-year-old Little #4 in whatever ways I could.

We had only hiked a few hundred feet when I heard Little #4 grunting. I turned around to see my two-year-old hefting (what was for her) a giant rock. If that wasn’t the way to make the climb harder, I can’t imagine what would be. I laughed and wondered why she wanted to carry that rock. Eventually I convinced her to drop her heavy load, and we proceeded up the mountain.

When it comes to climbing a mountain, or accomplishing any of our goals, the work is hard enough already. I am not a coddler, and I believe kids need to learn that they can do hard things. However, climbing a mountain is already hard. Life is already hard. We don’t need to manufacture difficulties for our kiddos. Sometimes, unfortunately, we figuratively hand rocks to our kids for the climb. We make their efforts harder rather than easier. Here are three ways we make our children’s load heavier and ideas for what we can do instead.

#1 We Enforce Generalized Goals for Our Kids

How would you feel if you picked up a violin out of interest and were held to the same standard as a professional musician? Are you motivated by the same things as those around you? How would you like it if someone chose your New Year’s Resolution for you? Our hike was great, but what if I had insisted on the same independence from my two-year-old as I expected of the older kids? We make it harder for our kids to accomplish goals when we enforce generalized objectives.

Sometimes we assume that what worked well for one child will work well for others. We hold kids to standards based on age. Expectations may be built around cultural norms or how we were raised. General goals and broad aims are helpful in life. They can help us see where to go in the big picture. Common goals bring unity to our families and communities. However, the more we personalize goals, the more beneficial they will be for our kids and the more likely our children will be to achieve them.

The smaller the group, the more ability we have to cater to individuals. This is one of the key reasons that we can accomplish things in the home that are not possible in the broader settings of school, church, or elsewhere. Embrace that opportunity to help your kids grow.

What to Do Instead

• Get to know your kids as individuals. What does each enjoy? Spend meaningful, one-on-one time with your kids. What are their strengths and weaknesses?
• Be intentional about crafting specific and individualized goals for and with your children.
• Seek and follow personalized inspiration for your kids. God knows and loves these Littles even more than we do.
• Know how your kids feel about the expectations you have for them. It is as simple as asking.
• With age, kids should be more and more involved in choosing their own goals. Encourage your children to focus on meaningful objectives.
• If a goal is extremely difficult for your child, reassess. Be sure that the goal was chosen for the right reasons. Is the why big enough to fight through, or is this really a rock we can actually drop?
• Help your kids learn to personalize goals that are set for them either by teachers, coaches, or others. Many adults even have a hard time letting go of the expectations others hold for them. Start your kids early on learning to do the best things for the best reasons, not just because someone else says they should.
• Generalized standards and unifying common goals definitely do have a place in the home. Choose them intentionally.

#2 We Tire Our Children

Sometimes in our efforts to help our kids reach their potential, we simply wear them out. We may unintentionally put too much on our children’s plates. Are the kids involved in too many activities? Do they have time to just be kids? Are their goals realistic stretches? Do your kids have breaks? Are your kids allowed to just have an off day once in a while?

In the same vein, we may emotionally tire our children. Kids can feel that not meeting their goals will lower themselves in our eyes. This is a pressure-filled and difficult belief to live with.

What to Do Instead

• Take time today to assess your calendar, expectations, and energy level of your kids.
• Be intentional with how you schedule time for both you and your kids. Read this for more about choosing and actually scheduling by your true priorities: Organize Your Time.
• Say “No.” I promise; your kids don’t have to do it all. (Sidenote: neither do you.)
• Teach by example. Are you busier or more stressed than you really want to be? Are you a perfectionist? What message does that send to your kids?
• Implement a family day of rest.
• Hard is not bad if it is right. We will all have seasons of life when we are a bit more tired or strained or more work is required. Support your Littles through these times and help them see that they can do hard things. However, be sure to revisit mistake #1 and assess if goals are personalized and right for each child.
• Have compassion and teach your children compassion. Make sure that your underlying message is always one of love, no matter what. We do this in the way we discipline, what we say, what we don’t say, and indeed everything we do. Whether children fail or succeed, our love is constant.

#3 We Heap Their Mistakes On Them

In their quests to reach their goals, our children, like all of us, will make mistakes along the way. Sometimes when our children stumble during their climb, we heap more difficulties upon them instead of offering a hand up. If they pick up a rock during their climb, instead of helping them drop it, we hand them more rocks.

That sounds pretty brutal and like something we would never choose to do. Unfortunately, we often do it unconsciously or from habit. A common form of this is the phrases we use in frustration or exasperation such as, “You never…,” “You always…,” “When will you ever…,” or “I told you so.”

Another form of this is nagging. When our kids have goals (either chosen by themselves or others), we often find ourselves reminding or asking over and over and over again. This is tiresome for parents, annoying for kids, and ineffective for most.

A third way we do this is by belaboring the mistake with a lecture. I go here way too often and am working on it. If the child already knows they didn’t do what they should have, what is the point of the lecture? We need to be honest as we ask what purpose increased guilt serves. Are we trying to prove a point, show our own superiority, or truly help our children? 99.9% of the time a discussion is incredibly more effective than a lecture.

What to Do Instead

• When you feel frustrated, take a few deep breaths and consciously choose what phrases you will use.
• Address the problem at hand in the moment. If the mistake is a pattern, find ways to teach when emotions are not high. If the mistake is not a pattern, refrain from magnifying it by bringing up past mistakes.
• Implement fresh starts. I actually have a love affair with Mondays because they represent a new chance with a new week. Teach kids that each day is a fresh start. A friend does “Do-Overs” with her kids, and I love it. If a child already knows what they should have done, instead of belaboring the point, she simply says, “Let’s have a do-over.”
• Find productive ways to help or support your children’s goals. Brainstorm ideas like checklists, reminders, check-ins, or motivating factors. Avoid nagging. Intentionally implementing routines is one of the best ways to change behavior.
• Ask kids how they think you can best help them reach their goals.
• When you feel like lecturing, ask a question instead. Invite a discussion.
• Forgive your children. Don’t hold resentment against them. Don’t let the fact that you didn’t sleep last night (or other parenting hardships) interfere with how you interact with your kids. As parents, we have the chance to learn how to be truly selfless and love completely.

Toward Meaningful Change

Take a moment to ask yourself in what ways you might be making it harder for your child to reach his or her goals. As we replace those actions with more uplifting interactions, we encourage our kids to strive for meaningful changes. Try today to be a little bit more intentional, a little bit gentler, and a little bit more compassionate with your kids.

As we do so, our Littles will be empowered to try, even if they know they might fail. In this way, the efforts to reach goals will bless our children’s lives even if they don’t achieve them.

Meaningful development is most likely to happen in circumstances where our children feel buoyed up, supported, and loved, where their aims are personally tailored to their needs. As we create this type of environment in our homes, we and our children will experience the fulfillment of striving toward and ultimately achieving meaningful goals.

What has helped your kids reach their goals? Share in the comments!

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