How to Start Family Routines that Transform Life from Chaos to Calm

While you might feel like your life is sheer chaos right now, you and your kids can create a new norm. We’re all looking for ways to get our kids to do what they need to do without the battle. Whether it is finishing homework, practicing the piano, or helping out around the house, the answer to getting it done typically comes down to one word: Routines.

Purposefully crafted routines or habits allow our kids to accomplish important goals and keep our homes running smoothly. So here is why routines work and how to start new ones with your family.

We moved across the country in the middle of the school year. The move brought adjustments for all of us, and the first week felt like a year. Before school was earlier and felt harder. After school was a battle. There was so much homework, especially, it felt for our first grader. It took so much effort to get to “done.”

Fast forward a few weeks, and our first grader was independently motivated to do homework right after school and completing it without hassle. He was learning, and the home was more peaceful. What was once hard had become habit. We had a new routine, and we all benefited.

Why Kids Actually Crave Routine

Emerson is often attributed as saying, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do-not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased.” In other words, when we help our kids stick with necessary habits long enough that they turn into routine or habit, it becomes easier for them to do it.

Experience teaches that as well as neurology.

As humans, we are hardwired for survival. When our brains recognize a habit, the brain “chunks it,” kind of like setting a short-cut button. We think about the beginning and the end, but not the middle. Our brains even utilize a different part from our “thinking Brain.” This saves energy and brain power.

Additionally, when a series of actions are routine, kids know what is expected and what will come next. They feel safe and comfortable. The more sure they are going into the action, the easier time they will have during the action.

In short, kids appreciate and even crave the ease and comfort of routine.

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Human Capacity to Create New Habits

Those brains that hardwire habits are also able to continuously create new habits. All of our brains can adapt endlessly to new situations, disease or different routines.

We all know people who have created incredible change in their lives. Whether it’s the person that has overcome addiction or the one who transformed with parenthood, people change.

Our kids are among those to evidence incredible change. Think about one of your child’s greatest accomplishments. Our kids really are amazing. They have limitless potential and can learn to do hard things.

So while we are definitely creatures of habit, we are also creatures able to shape and change those habits. We can intentionally create the life we desire. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. Here’s how to do it.

3 Steps To Create a New Family Routine

1. Determine your goal and method.

Choose one specific goal for your family.

This might be clean bedrooms, on-time school departure, or family time. If your goal is inline with your top priorities, you will have the greatest success.

Define the cue and reward.

Next, what routine will get you to that goal? Think specifically about the beginning and ending. Remember, this signals the beginning and end of our habit “chunk.” Charles Duhigg refers to these as the cue (signals the beginning of the routine) and the reward (signals the end of the routine and reinforces the routine as positive).

For example, for our first grader’s homework routine, getting home from school is the cue or beginning of the routine. We follow the same steps each day as he has a snack and then works through his homework and checks the completed boxes. The reward is free-time after he finishes. The quicker he finishes, the more free-time he gets.

Set accountability measures.

Additionally, decide how everyone will be held accountable for their part in this routine. The accountability may be connected to the reward. You could use a checklist or earn privileges. Maybe not upholding a chore routine results in extra chores or a late bedtime means an early bedtime the next night. Maybe you will check-in each Sunday to see how the routine went the previous week. The options are endless, just be sure to have a plan in place to help everyone be accountable.

Your routine can be as long as a full-day schedule or as short as dinner prep. The older your kids are, the more involved they can be in helping you figure out your routine. After you decide what your ideal routine looks like, write it down. (Trust me on this…really do write it down, for you and your kids.)

But what if we can’t do the same thing each day?

Most busy families can’t do the same thing each and every day. There are diverse schedules and various responsibilities. Don’t worry about having a daily routine if that doesn’t work for your family. Go for a Monday routine or an after-sports routine. Have a helper job routine that you can announce and begin regardless of the time.

Be sure it makes sense for your family, not just what it seems like everyone else is doing. The important thing is to choose routines that work for your family and help you each get toward your big goals.

2. Teach expectations clearly.

Talk with your kids about why you feel this new routine is important and how it’s going to work. You can call a family council, announce it over dinner (or dessert depending on how tough the new routine will be!), post your written plan, draw pictures to help the youngest kids remember, or simply set aside a few minutes during the day to introduce the routine.

Be sure to explain, show, and do it together whenever possible. New routines will usually take more hand-holding at the beginning, so prepare for that. Be ready to remind, explain again, answer questions, and work side by side. In time routines pay for themselves in the peace and independence that follows.

Remember, the more clear the expectations are going into the routine, the better it will work for everyone.

3. Follow-through consistently.

It’s easy to talk the talk, but now we need to walk the walk. This is the hard part! After clearly explaining the new routine, we need to consistently follow-through with the plan.

I’m as easy to blame as any on this one. I announce a new routine for an on time bedtime. The first night goes well. But then the second night, we’re all having fun together, and I want to stay up just an extra 15 minutes!

Flexibility is amazing. It’s a must for families. However, it’s important to remember that we have to consistently establish the routine first. If we’re too flexible to start, our kids will never figure out what the norm is. If instead, we start consistent, our kids understand and can do the routine. It’s the norm. Then when vacation, a crazy work week, or special occasion disrupt the routine, we all know how to settle right back in afterward.

The beauty of a well-established routine is it allows for flexibility.

A simple checklist on the fridge your a post-it in your planner can be helpful to remind you of the routine and allow you to see your follow-through and progress.

Helpful Routines for Families

Not all routines are created equal. Here are some of the most important ones for families. Could your family benefit from one of these?

• Regular, scheduled Family Time
• One-on-one time with each child
• Home cleaning (chores, helper jobs)
• Morning
• After-school
• Bedtime
• Divine connection (prayer, scripture, meditation, service, etc.)
• Meals, eating habits
• Reading Time

The Real Key to Making Routines Happen

The real key to making any routine work is to be willing to battle. I know, we said we wanted to end the battles. But in order to do that, we have to be willing to fight the good fight, the one what gets us over the hump of hard and into the realm of habit.

Some routines will be easy to introduce and implement. Others will meet with much resistance. Remember that your family is your greatest responsibility. If this is a routine that is inline with your priorities, if you feel it will be good for your kids, be willing to put up with a little whining to make it happen (or a lot of whining, or even tantrums). Being called the “meanest mom ever!” is not the end of the world. (Trust me, been there!)

The Piano Example

As a piano teacher, I have seen this play out over and over. At some point, many kids resist practicing. The families with good intentions but no follow-through continue to struggle and make slow musical progress, if any. However, other families meet that resistance with consistency. These parents that are willing to fight the initial battle win out in the end.

Parents sit with kids and patiently work through songs. A practice session may take an hour instead of the expected 20 minutes, while the child whines and flails over the piano bench. But these parents are kind and firm. They insist that as long as it takes, nothing else will happen before the practicing does. Afterward, they point out the good the child did and suggest that perhaps tomorrow we could do it with a little less whining. Eventually, the kids realize that practicing is going to happen and a good attitude saves them time and energy. These families establish a routine of practicing daily and eventually reap the benefits of stress-free practice sessions and, more importantly, the joy of making music.

So, On to Battle

Whether the battles against the new routine rage against you or inside you, be lovingly firm and consistently calm.

This is where you remember that you can do hard things, and you continually remind yourself that it will all be worth it in the end. Beef up your patience and look forward to the results you’ve envisioned. If you are consistent, the day will come when there is no battle, when everyone understands the routine and just does it.

So, choose a goal for your family and get going on your new routine today. You’ll look back at your own before and after and be amazed.

What are your best family routines? Which routine do you want to start? What questions do you have about routines? Share in the comments!

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