How to Stop Yelling at Kids [10 Reasons We Actually Yell, So You Can Actually Stop]

Messy house. “Please clean up.” Ignored. Yell. Feel bad about it. Repeat. Sometimes we get in these kinds of cycles, and even though we’re determined not to raise our voice, we end up doing it again. It could be that the reason we do it again is because we don’t understand the real reason we do it at all. So maybe if we start to understand that, we can start to change. If you’re ready and wondering how to stop yelling at your child quite so much, maybe it will be helpful to read these ten reasons we actually yell at our kids.

Is Yelling Always Bad?

To start off, I want to say that not all yelling is bad. It is okay for us as parents to display a range of human emotion and volume. For example, it’s probably okay to yell, “Don’t go in the road!” And there’s also probably nothing wrong with displaying energy during a sporting event. (This is an insightful article about what kind of yelling hurts our kids.) I’m not advocating for all of us becoming quiet robots. Additionally, we are all going to make mistakes in life.

But most research shows it’s not the most healthy or helpful option to yell at our kids. So, if you’ve raised your voice and feel bad about it, your child seems hurt by it, or you feel like you yell too much, this post is for you.

Insight into Yelling

In psychiatry they call it insight: the ability to see what is really going on. One level of insight is a person realizing he or she has a problem. Insight is extremely powerful because it allows people to get to the reality and root causes of problems and therefore elicit change in meaningful ways. Insight is usually what encourages a person to participate in treatment.

But insight can also be really hard to come by.

Turning not-so-clinical now, it can be hard for all of us to dig into what’s really going on. It’s hard work to self-reflect.

“It is hard to open past wounds, to stare your own shortcomings or mistakes in the face, or open your heart…However, it is often necessary to do so in order to understand, and therefore resolve, why we are clinging onto attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors that don’t lead to peace…Be brave enough to face the hard and believe that good will come of it.” (Peace amidst the Mayhem)

So as we think about why we yell, try really hard to be honest with yourself. With that honesty, don’t judge yourself harshly. Embrace the empowering fact that we get to choose what happens next.

This 3-day peaceful parenting breakthrough will help you stop yelling at your kids, create more calm in your home, and live the peaceful side of parenting.

Start the Free Series!

An Example of Yelling at Your Child

When was the last time you raised your voice at the kids? Why did you? If your story starts “Because the kids…” this post is going to be super helpful. But for now, keep this specific instance in mind of when you yelled.

Now that you have that scenario in mind, we’re going to pretend it was because the kids left Legos all over the floor after you asked them five times to clean up and then you stepped on the vicious corner of one. (Is that only me?)

Anyway, mess, step, yell. Got it. I yelled because the kids left Legos all over the floor.

But, why did we ACTUALLY yell at our kids? It’s not really because of what they are doing. Let’s consider it again. Think back a little further. Have you ever stepped on a Lego (or whatever your scenario was) and not yelled at the kids?

Hand raise here.

It’s not actually the mess or the Lego. If it was, we’d yell every time. It’s something else, something that’s most likely happening inside of us.

Oh yeah, time for some insight.

These ten common reasons for losing patience with kids may lead to a personal insight.

Ten Reasons We Actually Yell at Our Kids (So You Can Actually Stop)

Consider thinking about your specific example as you read these.

Sometimes we yell at our kids because…

1. We are taking the kids’ actions personally.

Sometimes our child’s actions offend us. We think and feel, “I taught you better.” When our kids don’t behave as we have taught, it can hurt our feelings or our pride. It can also prick that place in us that feels, “I’m not quite good enough.”

2. We are expecting perfection (or at least something closer to perfection than what we’re getting here).

It’s been said repeatedly that frustration comes from unmet expectation. When behavior or reality doesn’t meet our expectation, we can feel upset.

3. We believe it will get through to the kids better.

Sometimes we feel like yelling will be more effective. It will get the kids attention and make sure they understand I’m serious about this. While that might happen (especially in the short term), most long-term studies show that yelling is not as effective as discussing.

One reason yelling isn’t as helpful is because when we yell, our brain typically releases cortisol (a stress hormone). Our yelling causes our child’s brain to do the same thing. This can send our kids into a fearful mode of fight or flight. At this point, rather than thinking about consequences or being rational, our kids are only reacting.

Another reason our yelling may not be effective is that we are in a position of power over our children. So rather than encouraging lasting behavioral change, our yelling may only increase their fear of us.

In families where yelling is frequent or harsh, children exhibit more behavioral problems and depressive symptoms.

The best we can do is be conscientious and intentional about the level of our voice.

4. We want some control.

We all want some control in life. On some level, we probably believe we should be in control of our home and kids, our sphere. However, our children are quick to teach us that we actually cannot control our children’s actions. This can be frustrating.

5. Yelling is how we learned to resolve conflict.

We may have learned throughout childhood (directly from our parents and/or culturally) that yelling is the way to resolve conflict.

The other day I listened to a podcast interviewing Jessica Frew. For a long time, she was happily married to a gay man with a pornography addiction. When they eventually divorced, she was worried because she had only seen messy divorces. But her realization and decision were bold. Jessica, her ex, and her husband are currently good friends, co-parents, and podcast co-hosts. Her message was powerful…just because that’s the way it’s been done before doesn’t mean that’s the way I have to do it.

6. It feels good to yell.

Household situations can build frustration, and yelling can provide a physical release of that frustration.

While there are mixed opinions about “scream therapy,” most mental health professionals agree that it’s probably not that helpful and the kind that might be helpful should only be done with professional guidance .

However, it well agreed upon that deep breathing and exercise (any physical movement) are both healthy ways to physically release that frustration.

7. We have created a habit of yelling.

According to some research, about 40% of what we do each day is from habit. Habits are powerful and helpful. They allow us to do a lot without the energy required to think about it.

But sometimes (obviously!) we develop habits we don’t want. A common yelling habit is that when our child doesn’t respond one, two, or three times, we yell on the fourth. When this happens repeatedly, we’re creating a yelling habit as parents. But, we are also creating a behavioral habit in our children where they don’t listen until the yell comes.

Instead, be intentional about the action right after your child doesn’t listen the first time. Can you make eye contact? Remind with a predetermined wording?

Intentionally develop a new habit that leads to less yelling, more listening, and greater peace.

8. We are tired or hungry.

Any infant is the perfect example. As parents, we learn early on that our babies will probably get cranky and loud when they’re hungry and/or tired. Studies and life experience show that the same thing applies to us grown babies too.

Research shows that being tired increases levels of anger and decreases adaptation to frustrating situations (like annoying tapping sounds, arguing siblings in the back seat, or Legos on the floor!). Additionally, hunger can also lead us to feel more irritable. But the good news is that study after study shows human goodness is larger than this “hangry” state. Hungry (or tired) people can still choose kindness and generosity.

9. We are stressed and releasing it on our kids.

Sometimes that angry meltdown has nothing to do with the Legos. It’s really all about work or finances or the other child’s life choices. We are stressed, and unfortunately, this child happened to catch the brunt of our breaking point.

Here are 10 stress-reducing techniques to try.

10. We are being selfish.

Here is some tough love. Sometimes, rather than thinking about our Littles, we are just being selfish. We are thinking about ourselves, our poor foot, our desire to live in a tidy house, or a myriad of other personal needs.

What These Reasons for Yelling Have in Common

I hope these ten causes of yelling brought some insight. Of course, these are not the only reasons, but they are prevalent ones. And I think we learn something important when we recognize what all of these reasons for yelling have in common.

Notice all of these have to do with me, I, us. The parent. And while it might seem like that is a depressing, shaming problem, it’s actually really great news. In fact, it’s the best news because we can’t control the kids. But we can control ourselves.

When we recognize and resolve the real problem, we can create real change.

One Powerful Way to Stop Yelling at the Kids

Here is one way to stop yelling at the kids. It might seem hard at first, especially in the moment. However, the more we do it and think about it in calm moments, the easier it gets.

When we feel like yelling, take a moment to breathe deep. And during that breath, ask one important question, “What do I want right now?”

Answer that question. Right now I want my child to pay attention to me. I want my house to be clean. In this moment, I wish I was in my bed.

Then, ask a second really important question, “What do I want more?”

More than pride, a clean house, a nap, or even a whole foot, I want a peaceful relationship with my child. This is where peace and happiness come from. I want my child to know that I love him or her completely.

And then, in that next moment after answering these two important questions, we get to decide. We are humans with the power to choose. I may want several things at the same time, and I get to choose which desire gets my action.

Embracing the fact that the choice is mine and mine alone is empowering.

Try it. I guarantee the yelling will decrease and the peace in your home will increase.

Because I know you. You love your child. You want what’s best for your child. Sometimes we just haven’t learned yet how best to show that love, we forget, or we make mistakes. But these two questions can make a powerful difference in your home.

What do I want right now? What do I want more?

A Simple Challenge to Help Us Stop Yelling

Go back to that scenario you thought of at the beginning, the last time you yelled. Many of us told that story beginning with, “The last time I yelled at the kids was because they…”

Let’s tell the story again. “The last time I yelled at the kids was because I…”

Now that’s a problem we can solve.

You’ve got this. You are just the parent your child needs. Know that you’re loved, and keep on lovin’.

Do you want more help? You might like this free email series…

This 3-day peaceful parenting breakthrough will help you stop yelling at your kids, create more calm in your home, and live the peaceful side of parenting.

Start the Free Series!

AND, just in case you’re feeling inspired to try your patience…

(This is an affiliate link, so if you choose to buy this GIANT set of LEGOS, you’ll also support Lovin’ Life with Littles at no additional cost to you. Here’s the full Disclosure. Thank you for the support! And good luck with the mess!)

Why do you yell? What tips help you stop yelling? What questions or frustrations do you have about yelling or situations that lead to yelling? Please share in the comments.

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