How to Have Better Family Meals | 6 Tips for More Calm and Connection

We’ve all heard the many benefits of family meals. But what if family dinner doesn’t feel very beneficial these days? What if it feels more like the jungle? Or perhaps it’s a bit like public transportation: everyone’s sitting near each other but nobody’s actually interacting. If you’re wondering how to have better family meals, the kind the stats rave about and kids actually want to show up for, here are 6 simple but powerful tips for more calm and connection around the dinner table.

A teenager keeps pulling a phone out of her pocket. A four-year-old climbs under the table, hitting people’s legs and giggling. Two kids argue about whether someone could actually invent a shield like Captain America’s. The toddler throws an epic tantrum because he doesn’t like grilled cheese this week. And if you’re especially lucky, all these things happen at the same time around the dinner table. #reallife

It’s moments like these that can leave us face in hands, wondering, “Do family meals really make a difference?” It doesn’t seem like they’re all they’re cracked up to be. In fact, this feels like it might actually be bad for my health.

But chances are if you’re here, you’ve already heard there are benefits to eating family meals together, otherwise you probably wouldn’t care to ask how to have better family meals and just ditch the tradition altogether. So, when it’s tough to make family dinner happen, let’s remember why it matters.

The Benefits of Family Meals: Why Family Dinner is Worth It

Research has shown that family dinner is good for literacy and intellectual development. Toddlers who regularly eat family dinners have a higher vocabulary. Kids with consistent family meals also have higher reading comprehension and do better in school.

Studies have also shown that families who eat together tend to have healthier eating habits. Kids eat more fruits and vegetables and a wider variety of foods in general. Adolescents are less likely to have disordered eating.

One study found teens who regularly ate with their families said their parents knew more about what was going on in their lives. These teens said they felt closer to their parents than teens who didn’t eat with their families as often. Additionally, these teenagers were less likely to participate in risky behavior, such as trying tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, or other drugs.

The Biggest Benefit

One of the very best things we can do for our kids in the long run is have a strong relationship with them. Relationship is foundational to passing on family values (including work ethic, morality, and compassion). Feeling safe and seen in close relationships is the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness. Building deep bonds is a skill we need to practice.

Listening, laughing, and commiserating around the table is simple and powerful way to strengthen family relationships.

So, as you wonder about how to have better family meals or how to improve family dinner, know that it’s worth it. The fact that you’re asking this question combined with taking action will benefit your family in all these ways.

The Reassuring News about Family Meals

The good news about family meals is that we don’t have to do them “perfectly” to reap the benefits. There are many ways to create consistent connection (the greatest cause of the benefits in my understanding). We don’t have to eat every single meal together. Some meals can be pure chaos or on the go or whatever fits your family’s needs in this stage.

Family meals together can be breakfast, lunch, or a snack. Other family traditions can bring the family together in ways that foster conversation and relationship building.

So, don’t stress about making your meals “perfect.”

We’ll take progress over perfection any day.

It just happens that since eating is something we all have to do regularly anyway, it also happens to be an ideal way to consistently connect with our family. So here are 6 ways to have better family meals.

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How to Have Better Family Meals

These tips can be used by all families, no matter how big or small, old or young, traditional or unique.

1. Sit Down

As parents, it’s so easy to constantly be on the go. With young kids, it’s tempting to get stuff done while the kids are finally settled and eating. Maybe we’re finishing preparing the last of the food or getting up to put something else on the table. Teens may want to finish up homework or a TV episode before joining the meal.

So, in order to make it happen, we have to be intentional about actually sitting down to eat. We need to be purposeful and take advantage of the chance to sit together while we’re under the same roof.

Ask that everyone join the meal together when possible. When we sit it gives us the opportunity to look each other in the eyes and talk with less distraction. It’s a lot calmer than running about or eating in shifts.

If you’re having a hard time teaching young kids to sit at the table, start by setting the example and check out these seven tips for getting your 3-year-old to stay seated at the table for meals. Create a family culture of sitting down together to eat.

2. No Screens While Eating

Once in a while it’s fun to have dinner and a movie, but 99% of the time, screens are a distraction from the real benefits of eating together. Researchers have found that screens like TV, phones, and tablets often cause a release of the chemical dopamine that feels good and makes us want to do the activity more. However, these dopamine hits don’t last long.

In contrast, when we actually connect, listen to our kids, and support them in their challenges, our bodies release oxytocin. This chemical also makes us feel good, but it lasts a lot longer. Oxytocin released inside safe relationships is one of the long-term factors of well-being. You can find more about oxytocin activities for families HERE.

I’m not going to lie; I know that sometimes the distraction of an iPad feels like the only way to make it through a meal without arguing about what or how much to eat or disturbing neighbors in a restaurant.

However, the more we practice screen-free meals, the easier it gets for all ages. Be the first to turn your cellphone notifications off during dinner. If needed, have all family members put phones in a basket as they head to the table. If kids are used to tablets, commit to one meal without them.

Remember, generations of humans have thrived with screen-free meals. We can do it too.

3. Ask Good Questions at Mealtime

Many of the big benefits of family dinner come from conversation. So, one of the simple ways to have better family meals is to ask better questions. Good questions stimulate good conversation. They’re typically not yes or no questions.

When families are used to talking together, “How was your day?” might be all the starter needed to kick-off a robust conversation. But if your teenager at family dinner doesn’t readily spout about the day or your younger child isn’t used to listening to others (both talking and listening are vital conversational skills), here are a few ideas to get everyone engaged.

Good Examples of Dinner Conversation Starters for Families:

• What surprised you about your day?
• How did you work hard today?
• What made you laugh today?
• You can ask a question or have a traditional thing that everyone takes turns sharing. For example, the Three T’s for dinner conversation:
  • What are you THANKFUL for today?
  • How were you THOUGHTFUL today?
  • What was TOUGH about today?
• Follow-up on something kids told you previously to show you really do listen and care when they talk.
• Share a family story or memory. Ask kids to share theirs. Shared history reinforces relationship and family history helps build personal identity. (Related: A Small Island, A Young Boy, and the Power of Stories.)

You can get 60 creative Family Dinner Conversation Cards HERE to create more laughter, learning, and connection around the table.

4. Avoid Public Scolding at the Table, even about Phones and Manners

I remember at one point asking myself, “If I were my kid, would I want to hang out with me right now?” My clear answer was “No.” I had fallen into a bad habit of correcting way too often, and nobody wants to be nagged.

When you want to teach about manners (a great topic for learning while eating 😉 ), talk to everyone, rather than scolding one guilty individual.

Something that works well for us is teaching about manners and why they’re important (focus on reasons your kids care about like not grossing out your friends) and then having little physical gestures to remind about manners. For example, if I look at a child and point to my lips, it’s a simple reminder to chew with your mouth closed. Pointing down is a reminder to sit, and two hands gesturing down reminds to bring the voice down to an inside volume.

Avoid hashing out troublesome grades or worrisome behavior in front of the other kids. For many kids, publicity adds embarrassment or shame. Those are important conversations and are better had in private.

Have better family meals by making them a time the family wants to be at, no scolding invited.

5. Remember, Food is Secondary

You don’t have to serve the perfect menu to have the perfect family meal. Trust me. Some of our better meal memories come from complete cooking failures. Everyone remembers the epic crockpot spaghetti fail and laughs (without fail) when it’s brought up, even the kids who couldn’t possibly remember the actual meal.

Try to avoid dinner becoming a battle zone over what is eaten.

Here are six truths for raising healthy eaters. These have helped us prevent picky eating and create a culture of trying new foods and being grateful for what we have. Of course, every child will test boundaries at some point. But it is entirely possible to hold clear and firm expectations without it regularly turning into a war zone.

Rather than stressing about what to eat for dinner, focus on showing up and being present, so you can build relationship and foster connection over that dinner.

6. Eat Together Regularly

No screens. Be quiet enough to hear each other. Actively listen so you can respond. Stay sitting. Talk kindly. These aren’t all easy peasy. Kids will argue with each other. Some will cry about what’s for dinner (even though they liked it last week). At times, others will wish they were someplace else, doing something else.

But I promise…

Each of the pieces that create better family meals get easier with practice.

So, commit to eating together regularly. Commit to progress.

Choose one way you can have better family meals, and do that starting today. Take action (even if it feels tiny) toward improving family meals and creating the family culture you really desire.

How to Find Time to Eat Together

During the Covid quarantine, many families found themselves eating together more than they ever had in the past. As life picks up, some struggle to hang onto the consistent time at home. Between afterschool activities, work, and other responsibilities, it can be hard to find time to eat together.

However, if you’re committed to family meals, you can make it happen.

Here are a couple ideas for how to find time to eat together:

• Eat dinner a little earlier or later than you’d usually think.
• Wake-up a bit earlier and have family breakfast.
• Simplify life by doing one less afterschool activity or commitment.
• Plan and/or make meals ahead of time, so you can eat in a small window of common availability. (Related: Meal Planning 101: How to Meal Plan, Even If it’s Never Worked for You.)
• Intentionally sign-up for activities that occur right after school, rather than during family dinner.

Do you want to really take control of your time?

Family meals, keeping the house clean, and parenting life in general is tough. It can be completely overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. It really is possible to create systems that work, schedule intentionally, and find calm in the chaos.

In my full program, Take Back Your Time, I walk you step-by-step through creating a home life you love. It’s been life-changing for families.

Public enrollment for the program only opens occasionally. You can find out all about the program, see if enrollment is open, and join the waitlist HERE.

If you’re not ready for a full course (or it’s not open), you can download my Simple Systems Starter Guide. This is a great first step to creating time-saving home systems that work, including systems for family meals that are calm and connected. Plus, you’ll join the thousands of families in the Lovin’ Life with Littles community and simplify your parenting life.

Remember…

I hope all these tips for how to have better family meals are helpful for you and your family. Family meals can be a powerful way to strengthen the relationship we have with our kids. And remember, even in moments of sheer chaos around the table, those kids that are loud, lacking basic manners, or otherwise unruly, can still see that you’re showing up for them. And that matters.

Which of these tips is most helpful for you? What makes family dinner hard? What other tips can you add for how to have better family meals? Share in the comments!

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