Why Don’t Kids Listen? Top 5 Tips for Creating a Family Culture of Listening

Why don’t kids listen? Every parent asks this question at some time or other. Sometimes it’s asked in venting exasperation, and other times it’s asked in real curiosity. But not listening isn’t just a kid problem. And more importantly, there are things we can do to help our kids learn to listen. So here are five tips for how to teach kids to listen and create a family culture of listening to each other.

The other day, I stepped out onto my second-story deck, slid the door shut, and heard a thud. Immediately, I knew what the sound was. The wooden dowel meant to keep intruders out of my home had slid down into the sliding door track. I was locked out.

My phone was inside, and the only person home was my teenager. Who was in the basement. Watching a movie. 😩

I hollered for my daughter, prayed she’d listen, and started contemplating how I could maneuver myself off the ledge and onto the ground without breaking my legs.

I was peering over the railing when I heard my daughter inside the room, “What do you need Mom?”

With a huge sigh of relief, I pointed to my problem, and we both started laughing.

Moral of the story: Our kids are listening to us, even when we think they’re not.

The problem isn’t usually that they don’t actually hear us; it’s that they don’t respond or obey the way we hope. So first we’ll look at why kids don’t hear us, then why they don’t listen (respond), and lastly how to teach kids to listen better.

Why Don’t Kids Hear Us?

Although the problem is typically in the response, sometimes our kids really don’t hear us. And beyond a physical hearing problem (check with your doctor if you’re concerned), the biggest reason our kids don’t hear us is that they’re fully immersed in an activity. This kind of deep engagement is often called “flow” in positive psychology. Kids have a remarkable ability to find flow, especially while engaged in deep play.

There are many benefits to being in a state of flow including emotional regulation, increased creativity, and a greater sense of well-being. So we want our kids to be deeply involved in their activities. But we also want to be heard. 🙂

If a child is in a state of flow or deeply engaged in their activities, we can help them hear us by setting a gentle hand on their shoulder before talking to get their attention. We can say their name and then wait, knowing that we might have to say it again.

Simply recognizing that we’re interrupting their activity can help us speak calmly, decrease frustration (when we feel ignored), and be patient for a response.

Why Don’t Kids Listen? (Or Why Don’t They Respond?)

More often than not, when we ask, “Why don’t kids listen?” what we really mean is, “Why don’t kids respond? Why don’t they do what I ask them to do?” It can be extremely frustrating when we feel ignored.

So here are a four big reasons kids don’t listen or respond:

1. We haven’t taught them how to respond respectfully, even if they disagree with the request. Remember, teaching takes A LOT of practice. Kids might not have learned the skill yet.
2. They’ve learned from experience that they don’t need to respond until we raise our voice. (Related: 10 Reasons We Actually Yell, and How to Stop Yelling at Kids)
3. They’re upset, frustrated, or working from emotion rather than their thinking brain.
4. There is something else that’s more important to them at the moment. They might be engaged in an activity or doing something fun, which we’re naturally wired to prefer.

These reasons kids don’t listen are actually reasonable. If we’re honest, it happens all the time with adults too! However, it’s important for our kids to learn how to listen and develop good communication skills. Plus, listening to each other brings greater calm and peace to our homes.

So, here are my Top 5 Tips for Creating a Family Culture of Listening to Each Other:

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Top 5 Tips for Creating a Family Culture of Listening to Each Other

1. Be Fun

If we choose to live and die in lecture mode, our kids will quickly learn to tune us out. If all they hear is correction or instruction, can we hardly blame them for wanting to be someplace else or doing something else? Teaching is a vital part of parenting, but connecting and building relationship will make our teaching infinitely more powerful.

So try being silly. Keep things light and sometimes make it a game. Talk about positive things more often than correcting. Be fun.

2. Prioritize Participation

Do you ever talk to your kids and it’s a blank stare? Like, “Hello? Did you hear me?” We are teaching our kids to respond when they’re spoken to. My husband and I be sure to respond too. It can be as simple as, “OK.” When we have a habit of simply acknowledging that we heard what was said, it makes it easy to do so.

But we also practice participating in discussion. After saying something I might ask, “What do you think about that?” When we have family learning time, each person will share what they heard. We try to show that we’re actively listening to each other.

3. Point Out the Positive

“Thank you so much for listening and responding the first time.” “That was really good listening, wow!” “I really appreciate how you responded to your brother.” Remember, what we water grows.

4. Grant Do-Overs

Be consistent in expectations. When someone doesn’t respond (or responds disrespectfully), practice the expected behavior. “Hey,” with a smile, “you know how we respond to each other. Let’s have a do-over.” This can be really effective with a simple reminder such as, “Listening to each other is really important. If video games mean we don’t listen to each, then we aren’t going to play them.”

Staying calm and helping a child regulate emotionally, and then inviting a do-over is especially helpful when our kids are frustrated or upset about something (whether or not it’s directly related to what we’ve said in the moment).

5. Listen to Your Kids

The most effective teaching tool is example. Show kids what it looks and sounds like to respond the first time and actively listen. Be undistracted by phones or social media. I really appreciate this invitation from Joy Jones: “Let’s not allow the convenience of electronic devices to keep us from teaching and listening to our children and looking into their eyes.”

Communication skills are vital to our children developing healthy, happy relationships and lives. But they’re also a skillset that takes practice to learn. So the next time you’re wondering why kids don’t listen, think through the four reasons given. Try some of these tips for how to teach kids to listen. And have patience as you work toward your family culture of listening to each other.

Remember, our kids are listening even when we don’t think they are, so keep sharing. Be encouraged. Stay patient. Keep loving.

What has worked for you to help your kids learn to listen? What frustrations do you have when it comes to kids listening? Share in the comments!

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