How to Find Inner Peace as a Parent: 3 Powerful Mindset Shifts
As I draft this post, two of the kids are arguing in the backseat. Again. I’m not sure how to solve this one as it literally involves, “Yeah, but she’s in my personal bubble, Mom!” We are all tired as we near the end of this road trip. However, I know there are three go-to powerful mindset shifts I can embrace to find inner peace as a parent in this car ride and every parenting situation. And the best part is that while these mindset shifts bring me peace, they also help me be a better parent.
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Inner Peace as a Parent
Let me be really clear here. Inner peace as a parent does not mean quiet and calm. I protect my daily personal quiet time, but that’s not what I expect all the time. With five kids, six chickens, and a variety of responsibilities, I’m not looking for constant quiet. I’m looking for peace.
And the great news is that we can feel peace in the chaos and crazy of everyday parenting moments.
One of the keys to finding inner peace as a parent is knowing that peace is more about what’s happening inside of us rather than outside.
Related: Peace amidst the Mayhem
An important part of finding inner peace as a parent is looking inward and embracing three powerful mindset shifts. After we adopt these beliefs, we will be able to develop the actions and then habits that lead to a peaceful home and life.
This 3-day peaceful parenting breakthrough will help you live the peaceful side of parenting.
Be sure to keep scrolling for a click to print Free Printable of the mindset shifts and inspiring quotes.
Mindset Shift #1: What I Do Matters
This moment on our car ride is not the first time we’ve talked about personal bubbles. And that’s the case for most parenting challenges. When our best intentions and heartfelt parenting efforts are ignored, it can be easy to feel that what we do doesn’t really matter.
It can be easy to think that inner peace is beyond our control.
Because it is true that I can’t control my children.
Oh how I wish I could at times! But we can’t, and really that’s for the better. We can’t control our children, co-workers, or significant others. Additionally, beyond people, there is so much in life that we can’t control.
However, the powerful mindset shift comes when we embrace the truth that what we can control is important, it matters. And that is first and foremost ourselves.
What We Can Control
In this example, I can control whether I yell at the kids, ignore the kids, ask my son not to care quite so much about personal space, or punish them both. I can control how I think about the situation, what mood it puts me in, and how I react.
What I choose to do will affect both my children and the way I feel.
I have a lot of choices, and what I do matters.
Other Ways to Talk about this Mindset Shift
In psychology, this mindset is often described as locus of control. Believing that “What I do matters” is often called having an internal locus of control. On the other hand, if I believe my life is a result of luck, fate, other people’s actions, or the weather, this is an external locus of control. Locus of control is a continuum.
“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”
Dalai Lama
Some data suggests that people with more internal locus of control are healthier and more accountable for their actions, as well as feeling more confident and happier.
Other ways this mindset is described are self-determination, personal agency, or freedom to choose.
An Example of this Mindset
My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis before I was born. In my earliest memories, she walked with a cane. However, for most of my life, she was confined to a wheelchair.
My grandma was also one of the happiest people I knew. Her eyes lit up when she laughed, and she laughed a lot. My grandma came to our events and cheered us on. She provided meals and was always connecting what she was learning to someone it might serve.
My grandma also never gave up on finding a cure, improving her health, or even learning how to walk again.
Although she couldn’t control so much about her life, including her legs, my grandma knew that the important things she could control. What she did mattered.
Mindset Shift #2: We Each Have Inherent Infinite Worth
Sometimes in the tough parenting moments, we might take our children’s behavior personally. For example, we might think or say, “I have taught you better.” We could feel offended. These thoughts can also lead to feeling like a failure if we think that if we were better parents, our kids wouldn’t act like this.
Additionally, sometimes when we don’t feel good enough, we compare ourselves to that other family. You know, the one driving the pristine minivan whose children never spill, fight, or sneeze in the wrong direction.
As parents, we can forget that our worth is not tied to the behavior of our children, the number in our bank account, or the state of the cleanliness in our home.
We can also forget that no matter how rotten our kids act from time to time, they are still worth everything. If it came down to it, we would give anything for them.
When we shift to remember our own inherent worth as well as that of our children, we are putting ourselves in position to feel peace and act from a place of peace.
One Way to Understand Worth
One way I feel my own worth and the worth of others is by leaning into Divine love. In my experience, the Divine loves us completely. That love is not contingent on what we do or don’t do. It just is.
We can lean into and experience this love in countless ways. Here are some of the ways I access Divine love: be still (stop being quite so busy and take time to meditate and feel), put people first through priorities and service, spend time in nature, express gratitude, learn (study, ask questions, dig deeper into truth), and ask to feel more love.
It is my experience and hope that each individual can feel, “The Divine knows and loves me.”
Mindset Shift #3: Love is the Best Answer
Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of one of the longest running studies on human health and happiness, said, “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
The study has found that more than IQ, genes, fame, money, or social status, close relationships predict long and happy lives.
Viktor Frankl put it beautifully in Man’s Search for Meaning
Frankl wrote, “A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth-that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.“
Applying this to Parenting
When we face a frustrating or difficult parenting moment where inner peace is lost, we can direct our intentions to how best to show love. How in this moment can we focus on the relationships and not just the problem?
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
Thomas S. Monson
Rather than thinking, “How can I get my child to behave?” think, “How can I show my child love and help my child show love for others?” “How can I actually connect with my child right now?”
“Connection is the currency of our relationship.”
Dr. Justin Coulson
Related: 25+ Ways to Connect with Kids [How to Strengthen Your Parent-Child Relationship]
A lot of misbehavior is a result of unmet needs. When we make an effort to love, we empathize and seek to understand. Therefore, we are better able to meet those needs and resolve the root of misbehavior.
Additionally, we can teach and encourage our children to focus on their relationships as well. Instead of just handing out a punishment, we could ask, “How is your behavior making this person feel?”
When It Doesn’t Seem to Work
In the end, after needs are met, love is shown, and correction kindly given, our kids will still mess up sometimes. They will make mistakes and do the same wrong things over and over and over. (Let’s be honest; we do too.)
But even with all of that, at the end of every parenting day, we want our kids to know that we love them. Whether or not they make poor choices, leave their rooms a mess, or cry and complain about personal bubbles, we love them completely.
Even if our day does not go as planned or life throws personal challenges at us, we want our kids to know that we will always love them. This loving, lasting parent-child relationship will bring joy and peace to both our lives.
If you like this post, you would love Peace amidst the Mayhem: You Can Be Calm, Confident, and Compassionate in Any Circumstance
Bringing It Together for Inner Peace
When the arguing in the back reached a new level, I felt frustrated. I recognized my emotion, and then I intentionally shifted. I affirmed that my next step, what I chose to do, mattered. I checked in with how I was feeling about myself and my children, remembering our inherent worth. Then I guided my intentions to a place of love. I put forth the patience, questions, and attitude that I felt would best show my love and help my children love each other.
I wish I could say that the bickering ended immediately. It didn’t. BUT (and at our house BUT stands for Bottom Underlying Truth) nobody got hurt, I didn’t yell, and we even had a few laughs over the exact right size for a personal bubble.
And I had the perspective to recognize that this car ride would eventually end, tired bodies would be rested, and we could do a little better tomorrow.
I felt peace.
An Invitation to Find Inner Peace as a Parent
Consider these three mindset shifts. Think about how fully you believe them. Is there one that is more difficult to embrace?
Then, this is my invitation for each of us: in our next parenting frustration, that moment when we’re feeling anything but peace, give these mindset shifts a try.
Take a few deep breathes. Recognize your current emotion and accept it as a normal, human reaction. And then, tell yourself these three things, and believe them.
- What I do matters.
- We each have inherent individual worth.
- Love is the best answer.
Parenting life is crazy. Some moments feel like complete insanity. There are questions and situations that are indescribably difficult. However, we can find inner peace in every circumstance. And making these mental shifts will help you create a life of inner peace.
What helps you feel more peace in difficult parenting moments? Have you ever felt peace when it didn’t seem like you should? What challenges do you have in finding inner peace as a parent? Please share in the comments.
This 3-day peaceful parenting breakthrough will help you live the peaceful side of parenting.
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Mareille, these are such great tips! And needed now more than ever. I only have two kids but this time spent in quarantine where we never get a break from each other has been nothing short of challenging for all of us. I have had moments when I am able to shift my mindset so I don’t scream at them and it certainly makes things a lot easier when mom is not screaming! Thanks for the reminder and for these wonderful ways to shift our mindset and find that peace we all crave.
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
That’s so true Shelbee. Recent circumstances have pushed us all to learn and practice new things. I’m so glad you found these ideas helpful.
Marielle, there is a lot of wisdom in your words. I really like your three mindset shifts. I think, in my mothering, I’ve worked through each of these at one time or another. And working through each of these mindsets definitely helps us to parent more effectively and to see our kids with a more accurate perspective.
Good post!
That’s true, Jeanne. These mindsets help us see our kids more clearly. Thank you for sharing.
I enjoyed reading this – will definitely be trying the mindset shifts (I have a 5yr old and 9yr old). “Peace is more about what’s happening inside of us rather than outside” – I liked this, i think i sometimes confuse peace with quiet. Thanks for sharing x
It was really helpful for me to recognize that I could feel peace in the chaos, not only quiet. I hope the mindset shifts are helpful for you too! Thanks for visiting Wemi!
Great post filled with awesome advice. I feel you with the whole “bubble” argument, lol. I am definitely pinning and sharing!
Right! The things they can think of to argue about. 😉 Thanks for visiting, pinning, and sharing Angela!
Thank you for this. My little is an adult that I am grieving and stressing over. This helps. Visiting from the purposeful faith link up.
My mom continually reminds me that a mother’s work is never finished. Wishing you and your family the best. Thanks for visiting.
Great advice. We raised five and are blessed beyond measure! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Teresa! Each Little truly is an amazing blessing!